Photo: Josef Muellek / iStockPhoto | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2013
Oh my god, you guys, did you hear about how the flu is probably almost definitely going to wipe us all out this year? It's true! The media is in a frenzy over the revelation that this season's strain is especially nasty and widespread, and worse, that somehow the major news outlets all failed to report on it until now. In the meantime, Boston has declared a public health emergency, and in Chicago, the afflicted are practically dying in the streets. If it's not already happening in your town, you can bet your ass it's coming. So, what can you do to protect yourself? Well, you could just go ahead and get a flu shot, avoid contact with people who appear to be sick, and wash your hands more frequently. But honestly, just do nothing. We're all doomed anyway.
You know what isn't sexy? Gonorrhea. But since you or someone you know probably has it (no one is buying that "false positive" bullshit you're selling, Craig), you might want to take a gander at this. Apparently, a new strain of the infection has grown resistant to the traditional course of treatment via antibotics, prompting health experts—especially the ones who "made some questionable choices in college"—to panic. The drug-resistant strain first appeared in Japan, then spread to Europe, and now, it has officially arrived in North America, where we can only assume it intends to ruin casual sex before toppling the U.S. government and stealing the nuclear launch codes.
According to the New York Times, a new study indicates that "Younger Americans die earlier and live in poorer health than their counterparts in other developed countries." Data from 17 countries was compared to arrive at the findings, and while there were a few deviations, the U.S. placed last, or nearly last, in categories like life expectancy. That's fucking unbelievable. Because between the obesity and the diabetes, we were pretty positive that the U.S. was the favorite to win gold in the worldwide long-life olympics. Oh well, better luck next year. If there is a next year.
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