You may have noticed that we quite like eating crap here at Maxim. Now, please don't think that's all we eat: we love quality food and its creators, and when we make a sandwich, we do not fuck around even the tiniest bit. But we also have a soft spot for eating the food equivalents of Ke$ha licking MDMA out of a dumpster, so in that spirit, here are five hotdogs that will do nothing but confuse your toilet this summer.
There is something so ingeniously simple about this, we can't believe our inbred cousin Professor "Gums" Kletus didn't already invent it. All you do is poke uncooked spaghetti through hot dog pieces, then boil them. Slather it in tomato sauce and you've got the best dinner a drunk man with the appetite of a six-year old (read: the typical Maxim staffer) could ever hope for. Of course, there's always some jerk out there who manages to ruin perfection, so whoever you are, please, for the love of God, stop doing this.
The Maui Dog
A word about fruit: fruit is nice to look at, but it's not food, apart from in special circumstances where it's been fried in meat. The Maxim office is fairly evenly divided on the subject of pineapple on pizza, but we can all agree that it has no place on a hot dog unless it's for a bet. Phoenix's Maui Dog disagrees, however, and have created this beast to change your mind. It's got to be said, one look at this picture and we're pretty much sold. We're also eating a sandwich we found under the Coke machine right now, though, so we're not the best people to trust on this.
The French Fry Dog
As with many things in life, this dog is a compromise. On the one hand, it does seem like the food equivalent of filling your mouth with the flesh of exotic and highly edible animals raised exclusively on a diet of rye whiskey and starlight – on the other, it'll take about three months off your life. Still, as our dear old granny used to say, "If it doesn't half kill you, it's probably not worth sticking your dick in it", and the same probably applies to eating, so here it is – the French Fry Hot Dog, consisting of a sausage on a stick, with fries stuck to it with batter. It's…oh God, it's beautiful.
The Big Hot Dog
With a gift for understatement that almost matches their insanity in the kitchen, the folks at Chicago's Big Hot Dogs have created this: a seven pound, 16" hot dog. While not looking particularly appetizing – looking, in fact, more like something you'd see dangling from the hind quarters of a killer whale, dragging along the seabed and scaring the shit out of the stingrays – it's nevertheless a good way to announce to your party guests that not only are you dangerously incapable of fiscal responsibility, you're also quite possibly the guy who bludgeoned that cab driver to death with "a large, seemingly sausage-shaped cudgel".
The Haggis Dog
What the hell, Scotland? Really, what the hell? As if your deep fried cheese burgers weren't enough, now you're screwing with the hot dog in a way that only you possibly could, by making the Haggis Dog: also known as, "the thing that grew in God's blind spot". If you're unfamiliar with haggis, it's a sheep's heart, lungs and liver, sewn into the sheep's stomach lining and boiled for several hours. Although… now that we think about it, that's actually probably better than what you'd find in a regular wiener. Touché, Scotland.