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Five Reasons to Ax Tony Sparano

You can see why the Dolphins courted Jim Harbaugh over the spring to replace Sparano, even though he was under contract. Harbaugh turned around the lifeless 49ers, who are headed to the playoffs. The Dolphins, who were drubbed 24-6 by the New York Jets on Monday Night Football, are 0-5 and as bad as the Florida real estate market. That brings us to why the Dolphins should end the Sparano era.

1. According to a recent PETA study, actual dolphins are smarter than Sparano.

2. Real Dolphins have more guts than Sparano. Down by eight with a minute left in the first half and the ball on their own 30, why did Sparano decide to run out the clock as opposed to trying to throw down field? What's Sparano afraid of? Obviously, he's not afraid of getting fired.

3. Hire chronically high Ricky Williams to coach. How did he rush for so many yards carrying a football and a bong?

4. Real dolphins impress by executing various stunts and tricks. The only trick the Dolphins pull off is luring sun-scorched fans into Sun Life stadium. It¹s not easy. Not even Miami uber fan Jimmy Buffett will go and that wacky dude will support any Miami team but the Dolphins.

5. The glamorous South Beach crowd has more interest in the Miami Heat, which is on strike and may not play a game this season, than the Dolphins. Can't blame 'em. The 'Phins are 1-12 in their last 13 home games.