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Five Waterparks to Go Nuts in This Summer

No matter what anyone tells you, there is no reason to ever think you’re too grown up to run shrieking round a waterpark like an excited child (who’s also had a six pack and a joint the size of a small dog). Here are five to show off your “lying down while moving quite quickly downhill” skills.

Schlitterbahn, New Braunfels, TX
As Shakespeare once allegedly said when talking of the New World, “Damn, Schlitterbahn don’t fuck about, boy!” The 17 water slides (three of which also take you uphill) include The Falls – the world’s longest waterpark ride – and Dragon’s Revenge, which as well as probably being a Guy Fieri restaurant somewhere, is “a special-effect family-thrill ride adventure”, which presumably means there’s a mechanical plastic dragon involved. We are not ashamed to say that this prospect excites us.

Typhoon Lagoon, Orlando, FL
Where other people see a lightning-speared swamp full of alligators and mosquitoes and say, “Let’s build a maximum security prison here”, Disney announce, “Here! Here is where we shall build our child-friendly theme park!” Hence, Orlando becoming a tourist hotspot, and the wonder that is Typhoon Lagoon, a waterpark that gets on this list not just for its slides, but the fact it lets you snorkel with reef sharks, which is surprisingly badass. Also, we’re not going to say anything bad about the place because Disney has more lawyers than us.

Splish Splash, Long Island, NY
If you’re in the not-guaranteed-to-be-warm-or-actually-sanitary part of the east coast, try Long Island’s Splish Splash. Boasting a load of effects-heavy rides, it’s a fun way to say you spent the day floating in murky water in New York without actually having your body dumped in the Hudson. Expect a giant shark, a pitch-black tunnel with a 40-foot drop and an “out of control spin” – and that’s just on the drive there!

Noah’s Ark, Milwaukee, WI
America’s biggest waterpark is home to 49 rides and two huge wave pools. It’s also home to the most Blaxsploitation movie titled rides anywhere in the world – thrill to the funky adventures of Black Thunder! Never talk back to the sexy double team of Dark Voyage and Jungle Rapids! Don’t let your woman stroke the Black Anaconda! Aaaand so on.

Wilderness Territories, Wisconsin Dells, WI
What is it about Wisconsin and waterparks? The state also has America’s largest indoor waterpark, so if it’s raining out, you’ve still got somewhere to go (why rain would stop someone going to a waterpark is yet to be discovered). Actually a collection of three huge parks, it’s a good place to go if you’re the kind of person who forgets to put on sun cream (or pants).

More Guy's Guide to Summer.