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America Is No Longer The Fattest Country On Earth!

That honor now belongs to Mexico. Congratulations, Mexico!

Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now check if you can see your penis in the shower. No? Then you’re one of the 31.8 percent of Americans who are obese! And congratulations, up until a few days ago, that meant you were also a representative member of the fattest country in the whole world – the USA (freedom is heavy in calories). But a new challenger has appeared: Mexico! Our neighbor to the south has just overtaken the United States as the fattest country in the world…and they beat us by one measly percentage point! Just 32.8 percent of Mexicans are obese (70 percent are merely “overweight”). Needless to say, this is very embarrassing. If there’s anything Americans are good at, it’s delivering democracy to unwilling nations with extreme prejudice and eating. Now, considering we’re losing to Mexico by one tiny percent, it will only take a few hundred thousand of you (million? America never claimed to be good at math) chowing down on some high calorie deliciousness to get us back into the number one slot. Here are a few recommended meals:

Eat This: Dave’s Hot & Juicy
Where: Wendy’s
Why: Because it has over 1,000 calories and America doesn’t have time for you to make up our caloric deficit one reasonable meal at a time.

Eat This: Any Chipotle Burrito
Where: Chipotle
Why: Statistics, calories, percentages…let’s not confuse the matter with “numbers.” Obesity and rapid weight gain are all about that sweet, sweet shame spiral. And, fun fact, corporate execs originally tested “LOL You Hate Yourself” as a name before settling on “Chipotle.”

Eat This: 14-inch Large Meat Lover’s Pan Pizza
Where: Pizza Hut
Why: If you’re bulking on a budget, you can’t go wrong at the ‘Hut (cool guys call it that). Just $1 buys you 376 calories of gooey deliciousness with this meal – thrifty!

Eat This: Quesadilla Burger
Where: Applebee’s
Why: “Eating good in the neighborhood” is Applebee’s slogan. And to prove the Western Hemisphere is the USA’s neighborhood, it’s time you showed Mexican cuisine who’s boss by stuffing your face with a mutated Quesadilla molested into becoming an American staple food. It’s the only way we’ll win.

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