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10 Lubricants You Can Find In Nature

It’s happened to everybody: You and your lady friends are getting busy, when it suddenly dawns on you — you don’t have any KY. Well, why kowtow to Big Lubricant when Mother Nature has plenty of alternatives just waiting for you?

Petroleum

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Better known as crude oil, petroleum is nature’s most natural lubricant, even though it doesn’t use it to lubricate anything. It mostly just sits in the ground and waits for someone to drill it, pump it and sell it to you for $4 a gallon. If used, please do not smoke around your penis.

Peanut Oil

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When George Washington Carver invented the peanut in 1915, he also invented peanut oil. You know that grease you get on your fingers when you reach into a pile of non-dry roasted peanuts? Well, crush a lot of peanuts and you get more of it. Much like potato chips, your penis is much healthier if fried in peanut oil instead of vegetable oil.

Olive Oil

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Olives are generally easier to squeeze than peanuts, so olive oil is easier to make — tastier, too. Granted, 90% of all olives grow in Spain, Italy and Greece, so getting your hands on them might be hard. And really, do you need to cover your penis with anything titled “extra virgin”? Doesn’t it have enough problems?

Aloe Vera

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If you’ve ever sneezed into an aloe vera-laced tissue, you know how soothingly greasy a bit of aloe vera can be. It’s a natural gel found inside the aloe vera plant which, unfortunately, 1) is generally found in Africa and Europe and 2) is really, really pointy. Still, it’s the preferred lotion of masturbators around the world for a reason!

Animal Fat

Photo Courtesy of Wikipedia
When ancient man first walked the earth, they hunted animals. They ate the meat, wore the hides, and carved the bones into tools. They did not use the animals’ fat as a sexual lubricant, because even cavemen weren’t that weird. Still, if you can find a critter that don’t mind you giving it an amateur liposuction, it would do the trick.

Whale Blubber

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While whale blubber is more or less animal fat, it’s such specialized animal fat that we thought it worth mentioning. Because it needs to keep whales from freezing to death in the depths of the ocean, it is more naturally greasy and oily than most other fats. And if that doesn’t get your lady goin’, what will?

Avocados

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These beloved fruits are full of fat, making them a ubiquitous — if rather tasty — source of lubricant. Simply mash the fruit like you would if you were making guacamole, and apply to your penis. And if you’re going that far, why not make an event of it? Maybe add a bit of salsa? Wrap it in a tortilla? Or maybe even put a tiny sombrero on it?

Oily Skin

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If you’ve ever had a pimple, you know the miracle of oil production that is the human face (and if you haven’t had a pimple, we hate you). Simply skip the shower for a few days — maybe eat some bacon, provided you can still find some — and then scrape off the goods with a dull butter knife. You can even put it in a jar for later use. No, it’s not creepy at all!

Graphite

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Graphite is the stuff they put in pencils (even though everybody calls it pencil lead), and it’s a hell of an industrial lubricant, used in factory machines, gears and locks the world over. It’s a dry lubricant, though, so it won’t do your penis any good (unless you want to write something with it, we guess).

Vaginal Lubricant

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What, did you forget this one? Hey, just because your lady friend is running dry, it doesn’t mean all the other ladies are. Just make sure you ask really politely. And that your original girlfriend is out of earshot.

You know who needs natural lubes? Humping bears. Probably. Check out Comedy Central's nature-inspired animated series, Brickleberry, to see if we're right - Tuesdays at 10:30/9:30c after an all new Tosh.0.