The events, people and things that made the Summer of ‘12 the Summer of Hell.
The Summer of 2012 had a few good moment, but for the most part, it was awful. Between crappy trends, stupid people, awful movies and the oppressive heat, the only one who should sing about the Summer of ‘12 should be a gothy punk band. Here’s why we’re putting the Christmas tree up early.
Worst Song of the Summer: “Call Me Maybe”
Courtesy of Interscope Records
We don’t blame Carly Rae Jepsen. It’s not her fault that this song grabbed the world by the eardrum and refused to let go. The real enemy are all the people who made lip dubs and parody videos. The first time we saw it, it was kind of funny. The 1,004th time? Ugh. Can’t we go back to planking?
Runner-Up: “Somebody That I Used to Know” (The number of views this video has is frighteningly close to the number of people in the entire country. That is not a joke.)
Worst Movie of the Summer: Battleship
Courtesy of Universal Pictures
Take a board game, add aliens and Rihanna, throw in a dash of Transformers, and this is what you get. What’s worse is that the trend of making movies from non-movie brands isn’t going away. It’s just been announced that Morgan Freeman may star in a movie based on Lego. Because if there’s one things kids love, it’s watching old Academy Award winners play with toys for two hours.
Runner-Up: What To Expect When You’re Expecting
Worst Mother: The Tan Mom
Courtesy of NBC New York
We hate writing this because if we all stopped talking about the Tan Mom, she would disappear like Freddy Kreuger (who had a slightly less shocking complexion).
Runner-Up: Mother Nature. Earthquakes, hurricanes, droughts. We get it. You’re mad. But try not to ruin Thanksgiving, mom.
Worst Celebrity: Kristen Stewart
Courtesy of Summit Entertainment
We don’t mind K-stew. We don’t care who she has sex with. But apparently Stewart felt the need to apologize to us and the rest of the world for her affair with that director (whose name no one can remember). So we felt the need to offer our own apologies. Dear Kristen, You may find this hard to believe, but your vagina does not concern us.
Runner-Up: Prince Harry.
Worst Holiday: The 4th of July
Photo by David Shankbone / Wikipedia
It was on a Wednesday! That’s worse than having your birthday on Christmas! (Unless you’re Jesus.) Wednesday holidays feel wrong, like when you take a nap at 9 p.m. or wear a swimsuit as underpants.
Runner-Up: Canada Day. It was almost as if no one cared.
Worst Party Trick: Bane Impressions
Courtesy of Warner Bros. Pictures
We tried to do, but can’t. Neither can you. You sound like an elderly James Bond. Stop trying to mimic Bane. Just accept that actor Tom Hardy is really great, and let’s move on.
Runner-Up: Batman impressions. (The world would be a better place if there were more Catwoman impressions.)
Worst Bug: Mosquitos
Photo by JJ Harrison / Wikipedia
The West Nile virus is spreading fast this year. There have been 1,590 cases and 65 reported deaths so far, according to the CDC. Now you know why we’re never leaving the bunker.
Runner-Up: The Amazing Spider-Man.
Worst Relationship: Chad Kroeger and Avril Lavigne got engaged.
Photo by Marcel Thomas / Getty Images
Look at this photograph! Now cry. Because Nickleback just won.
Runner-Up: Snooki and the Father of Snooki Jr.
Worst Olympic Event: Olympic Memes
Hahaha...she’s making that face! Oh man. Hilarious! Surely this will still be funny for future generations! Utterly timeless. Just like planking.
Runner-Up: Gold medal biting.
Worst Complaint: The Heat
According to the Maxim Almanac the temperatures this summer topped out at 173-degrees Fahrenheit, with a season rainfall of -298 inches. It was made worse by everyone Tweeting about the heat. It’s a little known fact that every Tweet you send over WiFi generates 8-degrees of heat and the energy aborbs 3 ounces of liquid. This was all your fault.
Runner-Up: "They're already selling Christmas decorations!"