Hopefully this guide will help prevent you from being arrested, decapitated, or worse.
Closed Circuit hits screens today, a thriller that revolves around evidence caught on surveillance cameras (or, as the British call it, “closed circuit TV,” because they like to make everything sound like a fancy game show). Just in case you ever end up committing a crime that’s being recorded by one of the 100 security cameras being pointed at you at any given moment (103 if you’re in the Maxim bathroom), here are some important rules to remember:
1: Practice Putting Your Mask On Before You Step In Front Of A Camera
Remember, the point of the mask is to stop the cameras from seeing your face. Honestly, if you struggle with a concept as simple as “putting on a hat,” you may want to rethink this whole criminal mastermind thing entirely.
2. Make An Impressive Entrance
It doesn’t matter how much you practiced your badass Batman voice, or polished your totally real-looking RoboCop gun that you bought off Ebay if the first thing you do when you walk in the door is a piece of Naked Gun-style slapstick.
3. Don’t Send Your Overweight Accomplice In Through The Air Duct
The element of surprise can be vital in a heist, but don’t overdo it.
4. Be Polite!
Remember, you don’t have to be all, “Eff you, motherscratcher! Put the goshdarn money in the bag, or I’ll pop a funking cap in your tush!” No, take a lesson from this gentleman above: Be charming, enunciate clearly, and if possible, try to instigate a nice conversation about the weather.
5. Don’t Shoot Yourself While Robbing The Place
This one should go without saying, really.
6. Find The Right Exit
When you’re done, try not to accidentally walk through a glass wall, into a broom closet, or spend several seconds embarrassingly pulling at a door marked “push.”
7. Do Your Pants Up Properly
For the love of God, man, put that spotty ass away.
8. Hire A Good Getaway Driver
You want someone who can keep cool in a crisis, someone who knows all the right shortcuts, and most of all, someone who can handle any sudden bumps in the road.
9. Don’t Try And Be The Robber And the Getaway Driver
Remember, being a criminal is demanding work! Don’t try and take on too much at once.
10. For Heaven’s Sake, Don’t Waste The Booze
This is surely the most heinous crime of all.