Congratulations on breeding, big guy. Truly, your seed is mighty. If the new love critter is a daughter, make sure to love her and spoil her; she will be your little girl forever, or at least until she meets her first guitar player with a van. Such is the burden of fatherhood.
But if the adorable little monstrosity is a son, there might be hope that he can learn from your example, and from your sordid experiences. As his father, it is your responsibility to make sure he doesn't grow up to be you. First things first: Pulling out is not an effective form of birth control. Secondly, never invest in a website (in these economic times, stick with canned food and shotgun shells). And now, 10 more lessons to teach the Hobbit in possession of your degenerate DNA...
LESSON#1: Never Fight Over a Woman
First, it should be noted, never fight a woman, unless she's a harpy or an Alien Queen, or if a gaggle of Girl Scouts outnumber you 10 to one. That said, a man should never fight another man over the opposite sex. Only insecure gorillas with acute pituitary disorders go penis-to-penis because of a woman. Life is too short, and Mother Nature is producing new, sexy women every day. However, it is proper for a man to fight on behalf of a woman, if she needs help fending off Frankendouches, zombies or Chris Brown.
LESSON #2: Never Let Anyone See You Punch Inanimate Objects
Sometimes, the wall is just asking for it. But there is no more palpable symbol of a man's total impotence than that moment he unleashes his pent-up fury on a chair. Nothing says "weak sauce" like a dude who's lost his ability to articulate his anger, instantaneously devolving into The Merely Adequate Hulk. Men can control their passions, tempers and emotions. It's how great-great-great-granddad survived the Comanche. It's how granddad survived Iwo Jima. And it's how your dad survived all those LSD trips.
LESSON #3: Buy the Women in Your Life Flowers
A man walking with a bouquet of flowers is not a castrated eunuch; he is a real man. When he passes by, give him a near-imperceptible nod of approval. He is doing his duty, and in this life, a man frequently has to suck it up and do that which he'd rather not do. Flowers make almost everything better (things flowers do not help: infidelity, vehicular manslaughter, stock fraud). Did you screw up, as is your gender's prerogative? Get her flowers. Granted, flowers are just the colorful vaginas of the flora kingdom, but they say to your womanfolk, "I am capable of thinking about you and reflecting, even when you're not around."
LESSON #4: Know How to Make Scrambled Eggs
Really, pizza was invented so that single men don't starve to death. But we do need to know how to feed others in a pinch. Now, it goes without saying that all men should instinctively know how to barbecue. But in the highly desirable circumstance that a woman has graced your bed the morning after, a man should be able to scramble eggs. Beat three or four. Add salt and pepper. Milk if it's not curdled, as this will make them fluffier. Butter in pan, wait for it to melt and froth. Add eggs, but do not attack them. Instead, scrape your fork on the bottom of the skillet before slowly folding the cooking eggs over and over again from the edges. Voila. She will be back, provided she didn't contract salmonella.
LESSON #5: Always Buy a Laid-off Friend a Beer
When a pal of yours gets canned, buy him a beer for two reasons. One, it's the decent thing to do. Two, it is a long-term investment in your own future. Careers go up and down, and to think they don't is naïve. Buy a guy a beer when he's down, and he'll remember you when he's back up. And unless he's unemployed because he's a hobo, a narcoleptic or being investigated by the SEC, he will one day surf the waves of fortune and fondly recall that time you had his back when other people wouldn't even return his calls.
Click on Page 2 below for the next five lessons from our little instruction book.
LESSON #6: Never Get Mad ... Get Even
There are two types of men in this world: those who will stab you in the back, and those who will stab you in the front. If a situation demands that you have to screw a colleague over because that happens in business sometimes, do it to the guy's face. There is honor in that. And if you're stabbed in the back, laid off or screwed over, never let them see you get angry. Shake hands and smile. Nod. Grit your teeth. Retreat. And have patience: They will get theirs one day. You'll be the one giving it, too.
LESSON #7: Silence Is Golden
Some dudes talk way too much, at all the wrong times. Knowing when to shut the hell up, kick back and sip a beer is a virtue. By not flapping your gums, a man can size up a situation and create a strategy to deal with whatever challenges are presenting themselves. It's another form of self-control that separates men from sarcastic, blabbering emo-hipster ass-baskets. Leave constant quipping to the Golden Girls. (That is such a Dorothy thing to say, BTW.)
LESSON #8: Drink Liquor Straight Up
Fruity drinks on the beach are fine. A gin and tonic can be a refreshing way to end a long day with friends. Cranberry juice is a diuretic, and therefore, practical. But for the love of Zeus, know how to knock back a shot of whiskey without choking, tearing up or slamming your fist on the bar. Liquor isn't supposed to taste good. It's supposed to get you drunk. It has a function, and it's wise you start honoring that function, son.
LESSON #9: Own a Roll of Duct Tape
Duct tape a roll of duct tape under your car seat. Keep one handy in the bedroom, the bathroom and the kitchen. Duct tape is a scientific miracle on par with penicillin, microwave popcorn and the wheel. It can do pretty much anything: Fix a pipe, repair a car seat, patch up a wound in the post-apocalypse. It is one of civilization's crowning achievements, an invention that keeps giving every single time a dude finds a new use for it. Which happens every single day.
LESSON #10: Never Be Afraid to Dance
There's no reason a man has to flap his arms and spasm like a sweat donkey having a grand mal seizure. But there is nothing lamer - and frankly, more cowardly - than a man who refuses to be pulled onto a dance floor by his woman. Men go to war. Popping and dropping like an eagle to please your lady friend pales in comparison. Can't dance? So what. A man doesn't care what other people think. He dances like nobody is looking.