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10 Tips for Taking Naked Cell Phones Pics

Celebrities of the world, please read this.

Photographed for Maxim by Jamie Chung | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012

Over the weekend, Oliva Munn and Christina Hendricks’ nude bodies were stolen and allegedly--and it’s a really strong “allegedly” since most of the photos look fake--put on the World Wide Web in the form of leaked cell phone pictures. We support Internet nudity, but to those wonderful celebrities out there wanting to take sexy shots, here’s how to do it right.

1. Don’t take naked photos.
At least not with your cell phone. Cell phone cameras are now just as powerful as the Hubble Telescope (probably) and just as easily lost as a muffin crumb. If you simply must show your business to a camera, use an old-timey camera, the big one with the hood. You can pick one up on ebay! You can’t lose this beast. It also doesn’t play Angy Birds or make phone calls, but it can kill a turtle. Don’t ask us how we know - you won’t like the answer.

2. Frame the shot.
Every time a celebrity’s nude cell phone photos are leaked, billions of photography bloggers scream, “Rule of Thirds!” or “Head room!” or “Filters!” or “Why are you writing down what I’m saying?” Before snapping a pic of your blurry body, think about what you’re trying to convey in the shot. Are you going for “Society vs. Technology” or “Feminism” or “I need to get on Dancing With the Stars?” Keep this theme in mind. And for the love of god, hold still!

3. Don’t share the pictures.
This is the hardest part. As a celebrity, you know doubt want to spread your fame to everyone you know, but perhaps this is a time for discretion. Sending you pics to a boyfriend may seem like a great idea, but it never is. Here is the list of people you may safely share you photos with:

A. Your mother.
B. Tom Hanks. (He just seems like a stand up fellow and a true gentleman.)
C. (We are the Tom Hanks of websites. We promise!)
D. The writers of Rob! (They may use the photos, but no one watches the show, so you’re safe.)
E. Oprah.
F. Your old roommate. (Ha! This was was test. Don’t really do this, unless Tom Hanks is your roommate.)

4. Show your face!
Enough of this cutesy ambiguity! We need to know if it’s real! If that’s your boob, then let us know! PLEASE! Come on! Fine, whatever. Jerk.

5.  Invest in a tripod.
GorillaPods are handy ways to take steady shots practically anywhere! This not only helps create a dynamic shot, but it also frees up your hand, allowing you to give an erotic, sensual thumbs up.

6. Timing is everything.
If you want the photos to be leaked in hopes of grabbing some free publicity and notoriety, time the leak correctly.

Good Time: 1 week before your new album is released.
Bad Times: Christmas Eve, During the Olympics, 78 months after your latest album was released, the day The Dark Knight Rises opens,The same day that Megan Fox, Taylor Swift, Natalie Portman, and Beyonce leak their photos. (You can’t compete with that. Don’t kid yourself.)

7. Take several shots.
It’s naive to think you’ll snap the very post photo on your first or second try.

8. Edit!
You shouldn’t retouch your body, because that would defeat the whole point of a candid photo,  but it is okay to crop out the dog or baby in the shot. Please?!

9. All or nothing.
If you’re leaking the photo, please don’t expect a shot of your nude shoulder to get our attention. If we wanted to see naked shoulders, we’d just ask a stranger, “Let me see your shoulder,” and the stranger would oblige because shoulders are not sexy and we’re very charming. A nude photo is only a “nude photo” if we see naughty bits.

10. Don’t read this list.
Just do whatever it is you’re doing. We love it! If you want to take a nude shot of yourself while hurting the elderly, we’d still love it. Thank you, celebrities, for continuing to take nude photos of yourself and assuming your photos are secure. We appreciate it.