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100 Best Dollar Store Items

What can a hundred bucks get you at the dollar store? Everything...and a pregnancy test.

The dollar store is as American as apple pie and Chinese food. We’ve all stopped by the store to pick up a cheap bottle opener or a shoddy pair of scissors. But when you’re tasked with spending $100, you begin to appreciate the merchandise more. Behold...the best 100 items you can buy at the dollar store.

 

Here are items 1-50.

 

1. Smoked Oysters in Sunflower Oil


At first your cringe, but the ingredients aren’t that scary: Smoked oysters, sunflower oil, salt. See? That’s not gross. That’s just lunch!

2. Finga-Saurs


Play with Finga-Saurs all day, and your subsequent finga-sores all night!

3. Scented Garbage Bags


How much are you spending on flower-scented pink garbage bags every day? Stop it! You’re spending too much for those brand name bags. Stick with these and save!

4. Chocolate Hands


They’re sac-delicious!

5. 3D Glasses


Remember that guy from Back to the Future who wore 3D glasses? Be like him!

6. German Potato Salad


Slightly more appetizing than German Celery Salad.

7. Waterbottle


Actually, it’s more of a water bag. We’re using it to smuggle milk into baseball games. (Stadium milk prices are exorbitant.)

8. Pregnancy Test


If you’re about to have a baby, you need to save some money. Start now by buying this wonderfully sad, creepy, depressing, budget-priced pregnancy test. Hell, buy a dozen and have an amazing summer!

9. FBI Kit


Our Halloween costume is complete. (We’re going as someone who spent $1 on the costume.)

10. Nail Clippers w/ Magnifying Glass


At first we thought this was an ingenious item. Then we opened it and learned the magnifying glass isn’t attached to the clippers, and thus Christmas was ruined.

11. Inflatable Flamingo


The editor who inflated this beast asked, “Why does the nozzle taste like sweaty rust?” before he passed out.

12. Inflatable Monkey

Because he's dating the flamingo.

 

13. Face Mask


A dollar face mask can (probably) save you from swine, bird, human, and wood flu. But not mask flu.

14. Circus Balls


Once you get past the name, you’ll notice the strange animal mascot. Is it a monkey? Hopefully.

15. Crystal Growing Kit


Wanna come over and play Breaking Bad with us? (You can be Saul.)

16. Hand Warmers


“Boy, these will come in handy! HAHAHA!” we said to the cashier...at Baby Gap.


17. Tender Murders


Holy shit! The foreword is written by the guy who wrote Road to Perdition!!!

18. Chili Mango


The trick-or-treaters will be so surprised!

19. Cold Compress


Use it to prevent cats from overheating this summer.

20. Flower Bulbs


They taste as you’d expect.

21. Party Straws


Getting things ready for our That’s My Boy midnight release party. We love later-day Adam Sandler movies. Like a fine wine, he only gets better with age.

22. Napkins


They’re dating the straws.

23. Popping Candy


“Oh, you’re eating Pop Rocks? Pfff. Not me. I’m eating this Popping Candy. You probably never heard of it. Pitchfork says this candy is the next Sufjan Stevens, so....” - Hipster Candy Fan

24. Squirting Sealife


No comment.

25. Coconut Pattie


No one in the office was brave enough to try it. We were all too full from German Potato Salad, Oysters and Squirting Sealife.

26. Grow Capsule


Add water and watch it grow in its cage until it begins looking like a sad, neglected tiger! As an added bonus, it fits in most trash cans.

27.  Pumpkin Seeds


Nothing funny about this. We just wanted them.


28. Stretch Buck


“Mommy! Can I have a dollar? But, like, a dollar that stretches? And make sure it’s sticky and smells like rubber and feels unholy!” said children everywhere.

29. Umbrellas


They make even the most pedestrian drink sophisticated. We put it in our mug of tuna water. Party!

30. Million Dollar Mints


Full disclosure: These aren’t bad. Fuller Disclosure: We killed a hobo with a shovel once.

31. Bo Bice CD


We don’t watch American Idol, but apparently Bo Bice is a superstar of unparalleled talent. The fact that his album is only a dollar is obviously the result of some sort of mix-up. Until Bo realizes the huge mistake, you readers should act fact. There were only a few dozen copies of this album left! The dust on the packaging is probably added at the CD factory to make it look rustic.

32. Tiny Trophies


In our modern society, everyone gets a trophy. Granted, the trophies are small, cheaply made, and the paint flakes off. But you get one! Way to go! Yay.

33. Bandanas


These make lousy kites and even worse handkerchiefs. But the price is right.

34. Bra Clips


We don’t know what they do. Please show us.

35. Handy Shammy


Either it’s the poor man’s version of the Sham Wow, or the fancy man’s version of toilet paper.

36. Eyeshadow


Because they didn’t have any knee shadow.

37. Flakes DVD


Zooey Deschanel stars in this romantic comedy about a restaurant that only serves cold cereal. It was directed by Michael Lehmann, which we assume is a pseudonym for Werner “Adorkable!” Herzog.

38. Glowing Trident


Now the bullies will never beat us up because we have the power of glowing!

39. Shell Bikini


Fun Fact: There’s no dressing room at the dollar store and the folks in the parking lot are downright prudish.

40. Door Hangers


Let's do the math. Three door hangers for a buck. We personalize the door hangers (e.g. “Do Not Disturb Kenneth”) and sell them for $17 each. Then we live like kings! Anyone know Etsy’s phone number?

41. Cool Scarf


Not only is it a cool scarf, but it’s a cool scarf too! Simply soak the scarf in water and wear it around your neck. If this doesn’t keep you cool, you could always just soak any piece of fabric and do the same, party pooper.

42. Nick Lachey CD


The price tag is a lie. It was only a dollar. To all those fools who bought each track individually from iTunes, we say: HA!

43. Jewelry Tattoos


Before you get that tattoo of the earring on your neck, use these temporary tattoos to see how it’ll look first. Trust us.

44. Toy Dinosaurs


They make life 63% better.

45. Poncho


Gallagher concerts, here we come! (Anyone know where we can score some sweet front row Gallagher tickets? Money is not an object.)

46. Seeing Double DVD

Judging by the box art, this is a hard-hitting drama about sweatsuits and race.

 

47. Baseball Cap


A plain blue cap just screams, “I’m a grandfather on vacation!”

48. Birds


These fake birds are just what our salad needs! It's all about presentation.

49. Turkey Lacer


Our chef friends tell us this is a legit item from a legit brand. We shrug and tell them to make us spaghetti and shut the hell up.

50. Decorative Balloons


These are much nicer than the pragmatic balloons we’ve been using. The helium grade is a plus, but the package says nothing of its radon grade. Hmm.

 

Continue to Part 2....

 

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