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100 Creative Status Updates

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It wasn't easy coming up with a hundred of these word-nuggets, but it'll be damn worth it once all that sweet, sweet Twitter and Facebook money comes pouring in. Here are 100 creative status updates that will surely impress and educate the world.

2. Stegosauruses must have had sex in the missionary position. Must have. Right?

3. Spoiler Alert: This message ends with the word “oven.”

4. Just got back from the gym, Dabney Coleman.

5. Hey brewery tour guide, we already know beer comes from hops. Showing us the hops doesn’t make you Bill F-ing Nye. Just get to the free samples.

6. 7 is the scariest number because 7 killed 9 and then ate it while making 10 and 6 watch. 5 tried to call for help, but the plea landed on deaf ears. Tragic, really.

7. What if lightning is delicious?

8. Dear Carrot Top: A Kristin Wiig wig. You’re welcome.

9. Mechanical pencils squeak too much. Biological pencils scream too much. Pens forever!

11. “So if chopped wood is called ‘lumber’, if we add a P to the word, it will mean pipe and waste expert. Makes sense.” - Your brilliant forefathers.

12. Due to the car seats, Transformers are probably the most farted-on robots of all sci-fi.

13. Add up the digits of your Social Security Number, and you’ll get 8. How weird is that? If you got a different number, you SSN indicates that you’re a clone. Sorry this is how you found out.

14. You know how all books begin on the right-hand page? (Can someone make that sentence into an internet Meme?)

15. Whoa, guys, check out this Kony video! Crazy!

16. Lost my cell phone. Call my house if you need to reach me, Dabney Coleman.

17. Instead of making porn parody names from popular films (Edward Penishands) they should make real film names from porn titles (Barely Beagle 12: The beagle who was kind of invisible.)

18. For a great summer cocktail, combine 1 part rum to 2 parts pool water to make a drink called “Eh...why not?” (Best served over Lucky Charms.)

19. What’s your favorite episode of Wings? (This is a trick question, Dabney Coleman.)

21. “Ghostbusters” spelled backwards doesn’t spell anything. But it seems like it should, and it’d be cool if it did, right?

22. Ever notice that a lot of women like chocolate and dogs, but offer them chocolate served on a dog and suddenly you’re the weird one?

23. “So many people Tweet from airports. So few Tweet from trolley ports. Let’s change this!” - First slide of Transportation Secretary’s PowerPoint presentation on “Trolley Ports: The New Hotness, Y’all!”

24. Can soap be dirty?

25. It’ll be hard work, but I think everyone on the planet should run a marathon, if only to make the assholes who run marathons shut the fuck up about running marathons.

26. Justin Bieber’s Christmas Album Under the Mistletoe syncs up perfectly to The Human Centipede 2: Full Sequence. Try it, kids! (Don’t ask how we know this.)

27. Correctly predicting the ending to an episode of The Big Bang Theory is a victory best celebrated from the privacy of your own home.

28. I did not type this.

29. You can tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile because an alligator has a wider snout, and crocodile is spelled and pronounced differently.

31. It’s sexy when a woman pulls her ponytail through the back of a baseball hat, less so when she pulls it through the ear holes of a football helmet.

32. “OMG! Remember when we all thought Instagram was cool, way back before we realized it was just a cheesy trend? And then we learned Instagram really did steal your soul if it captured an image of you. Haha...back to my Amish lessons.” - Status update from the future sent back through time to warn us all.

33. Coke or Pepsi? And I’m talking about the sex acts, not the beverages.

34. Idea for an Eddie Murphy or Jim Carrey movie: After making a horrible birthday wish, a  father is only allowed to eat grapes, which is funny because he really dislikes the flavor of grapes. Also? The father can’t tell time, but can control shoelaces with his mind. Title: Nuh-Uh!

35. Would Superman’s poops be super smelly, or not smelly at all because they’re super?

36. Nick Nolte sitting on the toilet, eating a bowl of hair. There! I just incepted you with that image. Bye!

37. How deep is America? At what point is it “international land”? Also, if you murder someone in international land, you can’t go to prison, right? Also, don’t be such a baby about this.

38. Wonder what Edward Furlong is doing right now. Lots, probably.

39. No two snowflakes are alike, just like fingerprints and esophagus-prints.

40. “Font-zy Bear!” - Probable punchline to most Muppet-themed jokes told by typographers and designers.

41. Did you hear about Will Smith?

42. If ducks could talk, they’d probably ask to be called something besides ducks.

43. Costume Idea: You dress up as Waldo, your girlfriend dresses up as Carmen Sandiego and then you both don’t go to the lame costume party.

44. Today is “End All Your Messages With ‘Not Really’ Day!!!” Not really.

45. Did you hear about Lindsay?!

46. Sometimes a man has to do what man has to do. Rarely he has to do what a tiger would have to do. Sometimes he has to do what a woman would have to do. And other times, he has to do the work of a salamander.

47. Let’s all start pronouncing the L in Salmon. You go first.

48. said “salmon” wrong. Idiot.

49. Tell people you don’t like snakes, then when your enemy traps you and tries to torture you via snakes, you can be all like, “Ha!” But for reals, I don’t like birthday cake. Seriously.

51. Any door can be a trap door by adding fire.

52. Have you ever had that dream where you can’t find the classroom for an important high school exam? Really? That’s a sign that you have cavities.

53. “But seriously guys, what if God waaaaas one of us? Can you imagine?” - Joan Osborne trying to strike up a conversation on her tour bus.

54. In case you forget the order of the colors in the rainbow here’s a handy mnemonic device: JAAG. (Just Ask A Girl.)

55. My favorite nation is a Donation! Hahaha...but seriously it’s Brazil.

56. If you placed a mirror in an empty space of nothing, what would it reflect? Find out in my forthcoming self-published novella “G-g-ghost Rabbit!!!!”

57. I bet Thor’s last name is Rodgers.

58. If they didn’t want me to put bacon in the chocolate pudding, why would they offer both at the salad bar?

59. What’s the correct form of “too” in this sentence: John likes apples, but Sally too bumper cars.

61. Combine tightrope walking with javelin tossing into an Olympic event called Sex Ranger, then I’d watch.

62. Fiber is an important part of a healthy diet. Also? Matter is an imporant part of a healthy diet.

63. Never sleep facing up. Centipedes may mistake your closed eyelashes for one of their own and begin mating. Happens to 3 out of 5 people a night.

64. If a blind person is given the sense of sight, when they first see an elephant they’ll probably be let down.

65. Tying a bow tie is easy. First, center the tie around your neck, with at least two inches hanging on either side. Next, tie it. Finally, adjust the tie in the mirror. The End

67. If you didn’t know it was a horrible disease, Tuberculosis would sound like a fun slang term from the ‘90s.

68. “Why are you writing down everything I’m saying?” - Ben Franklin

69. When someone refers to the sex act of “69” we all know that the man is the 9, right?

70. According to the dictionary, someone killed a rat with the dictionary.

71. What’s the coldest fire can be?

72. Pencil drop in twenty minutes. Don’t screw this up, Dabney Coleman.

74. By the time you read this in its entirety, I will have already stolen several items from your desk, but to give me more thieving time, here are some more words that will entertain and delight: “panther” and “Nabisco.” Enjoy.

75. Helmets are just thick hats, and never let the helmet sales associate tell you different.

76. Don’t take this the wrong way, but the visions of brilliance on the morn of earthtime shall lead the hopeful to the abyss of Finnegan’s Den.

77. Still reading this, huh?

78. Describe the taste of a pear without using “sweet” or “fruity.”

80. Trying to tell what the background people are saying on Cheers. I think the one guy said “munitions.”

81. The low murmur of the Cheers extras is now distracting. Can’t help but pick up bits of conversation. There’s a whole other show happening back there, people. Pay attention.

82. Holy crap there are a lot of episode of Cheers. Strange, since this show is just Wings in a bar. WINGS 4-EVER!

83. The Predators are probably the rednecks of their species - the ones that go out hunting and such. There are probably really nice and sophisticated Predator aliens on their home planet, including doctors and lawyers and kindergarten teachers. Don’t be so quick to judge.

84. Never met a man named Lance or Kermit.

85. Is it uncouth to tuck in your dental apron? I don’t care. I’m preppy.

86. Note From the Grammar Nazi: A condor is a bird of prey. A con door is a door that uses confidence to trick you.

87: Note From the Grammar Terrorist: It’s hard, but not impossible, to use “seventeen” as a verb. Try it!

88. Go ahead and ask me about Cleopatra. I don’t know a thing about her or her life, but my answers will be entertaining.

90. Almost done!

91. Right now someone is probably watching the Johnny Depp horror movie The Ninth Gate. Really makes you think, doesn’t it?

92. ggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg. Wow, my nose is really pointy.

93. Why are diseases categorized by stages and numbers, but not happy things? I want to be a Type 5 Pizza Consumer with Stage 8 Enthusiasm for Batman.

94. Polar bears, but no polar horses. No grizzly horses either. Weird, right?

95. Tap dancing is just regular dancing but more so.

96. Note from the Grammar Dictator: “Otter” is now accepted colloquially, but “More Ott” is still the only acceptable form in academic journals and print media.

97. Can’t believe we almost wrote 100 of these things, can you, Dabney Coleman?

98. Who would win in a fight between Yoda and Harry Potter? Find out in my forthcoming fanfiction poem, Yoda Wins.

99. What I wouldn’t give to be a fly on the wall in that meeting. I wouldn’t give money, or food, or anything. I wouldn’t want to be a fly on the wall. I’d rather be a badger or a dragon.

100. Click this link to open this story in another window. (This window is a little sad, used and busted. Right?)

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