It’s all fun and games until someone loses an eye and gains a fetus.
Before diving into summer, here are some safety guidelines that will ensure your pool party will be happy and bloodless.
1. No diving...unless you’re pretty sure you’ll nail it, or if someone is recording video with the sole purpose of making an animated gif later.
2. No running. It makes you look needy and chubby. Instead, stand perfectly still and let the pool come to you.
3. If you want to swim laps, you are probably a miserable person. Do you also go to a house party and say, “Mind if I do a few sit ups in your kitchen?”
4. Wait at least an hour after eating before you swim. If any food stuck in your teeth is ingested while you’re swimming, you’ll only have eight to thirteen seconds to get out of the pool before the cold hand of death grips your throat.
5. Don’t drink the pool water. It has to last us all summer.
6. Don’t pee too much in the pool
7. Don’t vomit in the pool. (How soon you forgot #4!)
8. Never let anyone hold your totem, or else you may never wake up.
9. Don’t talk about Fight Club.
10. Don’t repeat rule number 9 like an asshole. Your friends can understand your rules. Saying it once is good enough. Don’t treat friends like middle schoolers.
11. The answer to the game “Let’s go underwater and you try to guess the word I’m saying” is: ‘Fuck.’ Or, if you’re a troublemaker: ‘Truck.’
12. When chicken fighting, the girl should always go on the top. If no girl is involved, you’re doing it wrong. If only girls are involved, you’re being too shy and probably swim with a shirt on. That’s cool. One of these days you’ll blossom.
13. Don’t poop (too much) in the pool.
14. Don’t nosebleed in the pool.
15. No glass bottles.
16. If you say, “Watch this,” you better be doing something incredibly awesome and not just jumping into water. We’ve seen humans jump into water. It’s not that great. If you say, “Watch this,” sparks and animals should be involved. Or you should be forcibly recommending the show Breaking Bad, because you’re right. Everyone should watch that.
17. If you’re throwing a ball around in the pool, and the ball goes out of the pool, the person whose name is spelled in least alphabetical order is responsible for the retrieving the ball.
18. Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. Instead, schedule a pie fight, and bring a knife to that. And your appetite.
19. No glass cans.
20. No metal cans.
22. Wood cans are A-OK!
23. No glass rafts.
24. No glass gloves or rope. Or envelopes.
25. Let’s just have a general “No glass” rule.
26. Exception to Rule No. 25: Frisbees, if you promise to be careful.
27. Never take sides against the family.
28. A wife cannot be forced to testify against her spouse.
29. If you land on “Free Parking,” you get nothing! None of this bullshit “Tax money goes in the middle” rule. Don’t like it? Don’t play.
30. Use the buddy system. This will ensure that should one of you drown, the other will be punished with a lifetime of guilt, making it a zero-sum game.
31. Splashing is permitted, as long as whitewater is not created. You make foam, you go home!
32. A little boy died in the pool exactly 10 years ago this day. Try not to think about that, as it will bum you out. If you see his spirit, don’t lock eyes, as that will probably damn your soul. Let the filter trap deal with him.
33. No one wants to hear about the concerts you’ve seen.
34. Wear sunscreen, but also moon screen, as the moon is much closer to the Earth and poses a more immediate threat.
35. Those who cheat in a game of Marco Polo probably have nothing good going on in their lives, so let them have this mildest of victories.
36. The Chemicals in the pool may react with your hair. And by “The Chemicals,” we mean our neighbor Roger. We call him “The Chemicals” because that’s what his lip tattoo says.
37. The area of green sludge near the shallow end is not key lime pie filling, despite its appearance, texture and The Chemicals’ assurance.
38. Confident swimmers only! This not only means you must know how to swim, but you must also be self-assured enough to speak in front of a large crowd. And you can’t get hung up on the fact that your nipples are frightening.
39. There is an Adult Swim every nineteen seconds. Adult Swims will last for twenty minutes.
40. Be warned: This one girl we went to high school with was a virgin, but then she swam in this gross public pool, and then she got pregnant! True story! We know it’s true because everyone at school agreed it was true.
41. There is no lifeguard on duty. That guy in the chair with the whistle? That’s just a pervert.
42. No Doritos dust in the pool!
43. Check your pockets for cell phones (and Doritos dust) before jumping in.
44. Rollerskates will only make it worse.
45. Warning: Some of the water is tears.
46. Jimmy Buffett is for old men and the deaf.
47. If you don’t want your hair getting wet, try going to a fancy restaurant or a desert.
48. In case of lightning, get out of the pool. There’s a chance the lightning will strike the pool, giving all the swimmers super powers, and you’re just not ready for that level of responsibility.
49. Go ahead and freak out about a little bumblebee. Your reaction is warranted and will no doubt result in a satisfactory conclusion to this bee situation.
50. Warning: The air used to blow up the inner-tube is rife with influenza. But hey, you HAD to have it blown up right away. Didn’t you?
51. Some of the water is sweat.
52. If you can’t swim, but don’t want to let us know, come up with a good excuse for why you’re not in the pool. For instance, “I have a belly ache” or “I have a cavity” or “I think sitting on the edge with my feet in the water makes me strong and manly!”
53. Some of the water used to be soup. (Don’t ask.)
54. Each of those water noodles costs $76. Yes, we overpaid. But please be considerate and not toss them around.
55. If you’re allergic to giraffe salvia, stay out of the pool.
56. No one-piece bathing suits that have those Mom-Skirt things on them.
57. Each towel has approximately 6.7 trillion skin cells on it, most of them not your own. Plan accordingly.
58. If the dealer is showing a face card, bet a lot. Or a little. We can’t remember. But there’s a rule about it.
59. Any money found on the bottom of the pool will be turned over to the police. Kids, if you pick up a penny that’s not yours, you will go to jail.
60. No one knows where the hell you put your flip flops. Why would we keep track of that? It’s like asking, “Hey! What was the name of my pediatric dentist?”
61. No one hid your flip flops.
62. Seriously. Are you four years old? Your flip flops are wherever the hell you took them off.
63. If anyone wants to buy flip flops, we have a whole steamer trunk filled with leftovers. $80 a pair. All the money will go towards buying more water noodles.
64. Saying, “Cannonball,” before a dive is an amateur move. You don’t hear the Olympic divers yell, “Reverse 1 & 1/2 somersault in the pike position!”
65. No jogging.
63. No smoking, unless you’re intimidating and brutish.
64. Jumping off the roof into the pool is prohibited, unless you’re filming a wild summer movie party scene.
65. The aliens mostly come out at night. Mostly.
66. It’s only a “beach ball” if you’re at the beach. When at the pool, the correct nomenclature is “Hydro Orb.”
67. Turn your cell phone ringer on the loudest possible setting. This way, you can hear it from the pool when it rings, and then make someone go check it for you, and then have the following delightful conversation:
FRIEND: It’s Jay?
YOU: Who?
FRIEND: Jay? It says “Jays Cell”
YOU: Jay?
FRIEND: Should I answer it?
YOU: Is it Jay?
FRIEND: It’s his cell.
YOU: Is it a text?
FRIEND: No, he’s calling.
YOU: Text him.
FRIEND: What?
YOU: Tell him I’m in the pool!
FRIEND: You want me to answer it?
YOU: I’m a princess.
68. Guys: Your gold chain bracelet makes you look un-good in the pool.
69. And your belly chain is just plain weird.
70. The water slide should only be used by little kids who have jelly for vertebrae.
71. Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Two hula hoops of varying sizes can help you identify the friend and enemy radii.
72. Stop staring.
73. Can you do a backflip? You can?! Great. We believe you. No need to show us.
74. Maybe your flip flops are in the bathroom. Did you check the bathroom? Are you really crying?
75. It takes guts to wear a Speedo racing suit. Guts and boobs and a vagina. All others need not apply.
76. If you didn’t want us to ask about your Smash Mouth back tattoo, why did you get it in the first place?
77. Only the penitent man shall pass. Penitent man…
78. No marching.
79. No galloping.
80. It’s downright disturbing when a grown man wears goggles at a pool party.
81. Fiona Apple makes lousy pool party music.
82. It’s simple: The first person in the pool wins! The last person is a rotten egg. The third person is a regular egg. The seventh person is a dog egg.
83. No skipping.
84. Try to enjoy the subsequent plantar warts.
85. You can stop mosquitoes from biting simply by complaining.
86. You don’t have to wear a bathing suit. You can just wear gym shorts or a waist cape with an opaque condom.
87. No lunging.
88. No fires in the pool!
89. In Major League Baseball, a local broadcaster has rights to air a game unless the national broadcaster has exclusive rights to that specific game.
90. No guy should dip his toe into the pool to test the temperature. You dip your fist! Or your enemy’s face.
91. No pulling. (Pushing is OK. It’s fun!)
92. The yo-yo won’t work in the water, despite that dream you had.
93. Skinny dipping is allowed. (i.e. It’s OK to dunk slender people.)
94. There is an 87% chance you have one of those runny, snot boogers on your face right now. Keep your nose clean.
95. No hiking!
96. No farming!!!
97. A great way to win a game of “Let’s see who can hold their breath the longest,” is to first shove marshmallows in your mouth, as they are mostly air and can provide you with minutes if not hours of bonus oxygen. Angel food cake works too.
98. No mashing.
99. If Tom Cruise is showing off how long he can hold his breath, you’re allowed to steal his kid. This’ll bother Mr. Cruise in the short-term, but it’ll motivate him to catch criminals before they commit crimes. Of course, if they don’t actually commit the crime are they really criminals? Doesn’t matter. Mr. Cruise, enjoy the new eyes and the borrowed pre-cog. Now RUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!
100. If you get water in your ear, call 911.
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