When your eyes are tired, and your head about to crash, use these guaranteed focusing techniques.
1. Write a list of 100 ways to stay awake.
2. Look up at ceiling tiles. If they’re the kind with tiny divots and dents, look for the pattern. The pattern leads to the secret. The secret leads to the gateway. The gateway shall take you…but perhaps we’ve said too much.
3. Re-name all the state capitals. (Such as: Harrisburg, your name is now Leroy. Albany, your new name is Calvin. Bismarck, your name is Jonas O’sullivan, etc…)
4. Recast Back to the Future using only the cast of Boogie Nights. (And William H. Macy as George McFly is too obvious. Dig deeper!)
5. Find and capture an ant or spider. Release the bug in the conference room before the meeting begins. Then watch this mighty beast explore the space. A bug during a meeting is ten times as captivating as Avatar. For advanced players, use a salamander.
6. Try to remember the last time you said “pilgrim” out loud.
7. Come up with a joke for the following punch line: “And the bartender sighed, ‘I thought you said ‘mouth.’”
8. One of the people sitting at the table is a secret slut. One is a robot. One is an alien. One is a time traveler. And one is a spy. Figure out who is who.
9. Think about bicycle seats. Sexy, sexy bicycle seats. They truly are the luckiest seat of them all.
10. Try to make a doodle the best represents the words “feign” and “blast.”
11. Write an eight-word story about a panther.
12. Every time someone says something, add, “That’s not what I heard.”
13. Draw a horse with your non-dominant hand.
14. Use logic to prove that the ink inside your pen is penguin blood, hence the name “penguin.”
15. Remember the lyrics to the Perfect Strangers theme song. (Hint: “Sometimes the world looks perfect. Nothing to rearrange...”)
16. Make new, filthy lyrics to the Perfect Strangers theme song.
17. Use your mental powers to either move a paperclip slightly, or ignite your boss’ knuckles.
18. See what happens when you try to breathe through your ears and/or bellybutton.
19. Rate each of your coworkers, based on sexual attractiveness. It’s not harassment if it’s all in your head.
20. Rate each of your coworkers, based on who has the best nostrils.
21. Find the ghost in the room. (Hint: Ghosts hate the color yellow.)
22. Flex and strengthen your thighs whenever someone says “Moving forward,” so that after a year of awful meetings, you will have the ability to leap higher than them all!
23. Consider the following: If Superman’s strength comes from Earth’s yellow sun, would he be twice as powerful on Luke Skywalker’s home world of Tatooine, which has two suns? Explore this concept in a sketch or poem.
24. See what happens when you stop using verbs.
25. Tie a brightly colored string around each of your wrists. When someone asks, “Why are you wearing those strings,” smile and reply, “Don’t worry about.” The ensuing mystery and paranoia will occupy the remainder of the meeting.
26. Suck on a screw. The pain reminds you that you’re still alive.
27. Suck on double-ended screw.
28. Mentally recite all the words to any Meatloaf song. (This should take at least 15 to 90 minutes per song.)
30. Find just the right word to describe the flavor of your own teeth.
31. Figure out how old you’ll be in April of the year 72884.
32. Predict Steve Martin’s next career move.
33. Lick your lips sensually every time someone says, “At the end of the day...”
34. Try as hard as you can to not think about giant burritos and a tall glass of beer. If you think about these things, you lose.
35. Ask yourself: Why do public toilet seats have that notch taken out in the front, but toilets in homes do not?
36. Make your own snack mix out of saliva and plaque.
37. Harness your ability to see through clothing. You can do it. You just need to flex the right muscle.
38. Use the time to figure out how you could realistically quit your job and still afford food, shelter and health insurance.
39. Use a staple in an unorthodox manner.
40. Draw a maze with your right hand and try to solve it with your left.
41. Sneak in a transistor radio, (Note: What the hell is a transistor radio compared to a regular radio? Also, why don’t home toilet seats have that notch taken out at the front?)
42. Press your palms so hard into your eyes that you see flashes of light, and the press harder until you hear food, and press harder until you smell numbers.
43. Outline your screenplay.
44. Realize your screenplay sucks and is derivative of several other films. Give up the dream.
45. Think about becoming a butler. That wouldn’t be too bad, right?
46. Spend some time wondering how one becomes a butler. Is there a butler school?
47. Write a hilarious Tweet and spend the meeting checking to see if anyone retweeted it.
48. Ask if anyone in the meeting smells popcorn. Then everyone will subconsciously smell popcorn and thus the meeting will be canceled because everyone is hungry. Probably.
49. Figure out if “Spaniard” is a racist term, or if it just sounds racist.
50. Repeat the word “ostrich” in your head until the word loses all meaning. Should only take eighteen repetitions. The world record is nine.
51. Bring a bottle of water and with each sip, think about this: Due to the water cycle, there’s a chance that water was once inside Megan Fox, a dinosaur or Matthew Perry.
52. Kegel exercises.
53. Sit on your hand until it goes numb, and then put the hand through endurance tests with nearby pencils, pens or sharp edges of paper.
54. Notice how fucking weird eyebrows are.
55. Make your toes dance...erotically.
56. Try to remember as many quotes from Die Hard as possible.
57. Squeeze a pen so hard that it fuses with your skin.
58. Draw a perfect circle. Inside the circle draw a square. Inside the square, draw a triangle. Inside the triangle, draw a walrus. Inside the walrus, draw another walrus. Inside that walrus, draw a perfect circle, and repeat the process. This sequence is called the Ellington Paradox.
59. Try to remember what the hell happened in Iron Man 2.
60. Play the alphabet game - Find an item in the room that starts with the letter A, and then B, and so on. If you get stuck on X and Z, remember that just about anything can be a xylophone if you hit it hard enough. And zits are everywhere. Look harder!
61. Destroy any PowerPoint presentation simply by holding the F7 key while pouring soup onto the computer.
62. Think about how your life would change if you won the lottery. And then, win the lottery to see if your daydream was accurate.
63. Crack your knuckles, as well as the knuckles of the person to your non-immediate right.
64. Listen carefully, and you just may hear your hair grow.
65. Try not to notice the sound of your hair growing for too long. It will drive you insane.
66. Trace your hand, and make a hand-turkey drawing. This doesn’t need to be a November craft. Turkeys live during the other months, too.
67. Check your phone. You may have missed an important call.
68. Check it again.
69. Think back to our list of 100 Words that Imply Sex, and now your meeting is probably filled with nothing but sexy, sexy words. You’re welcome.
70. Worry that your toes will fuse together if they spend too long pressed together in your shoe.
71. Take off your shoes just to be safe.
72. Try to use the word “oblong” in the meeting and award yourself 17 points if you’re successful. Give yourself 29 points if you incorporate the word “cave” and 62 points for “Lou Diamond Phillips.”
73. Check your phone!
74. Don’t you dare scratch your neck. And now, due to our super powers, your neck is probably very itchy. Ha!
75. Bring a single strawberry and spend the meeting deseeding it.
76. Turn something into a puppet.
77. For no reason, shout “Spoiler alert!”
78. Learn to tie a new knot that will shock and entertain the entire world. Only a fool would think that all knots have been discovered.
79. Think back to our list of 100 Easiest Jobs, and consider a career change.
79. Invent the world’s most unusual taco.
80. Try to make 18 new words from the letters in “Mississippi.”
81. Play mental air hockey.
82. List every Simpsons character.
83. List every food in the shape of circle.
84. Think about what Taylor Swift is doing right now.
85. Try to figure out the rules of hopscotch, and wonder if kids still play it.
86. And is there scotch in butterscotch?
87. Try to snap your finger as quietly as possible.
88. Think back to that time in college when you stayed up all night with Lisa. You remember Lisa, right?
89. If someone put a gun to your head and made you get a tattoo on your face, what tattoo would you get? Draw the tattoo.
90. How would you stop a zombie given only the tools in front of you?
91. Realize that all rope is nothing more than string twirled around itself.
92. Think about how better your life would be if you owned a lizard.
93. Try to adjust the temperature in the room using your mind powers or friction.
94. Write a novel.
95. Memorize your favorite novel, and then mentally recite it to yourself during the meeting.
96. Jot down “Corn wolf” and then years later, when you forget about this list, you’ll look at that note and be really confused.
97. Make up a new, sexy sign language.
98. Bite off your own tongue and the rest of the afternoon will be yours to enjoy!
99. Finish this sentence: If I could have lunch with any three Batman characters, I would choose...
100. Did your phone just vibrate? Better check it.