Have a happy 4th of July without leaving your hovel.
Photo: iStockphoto | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012
A BBQ doesn’t mean you need a backyard or fresh air. Just be sure to follow the following rules to have a BBQ inside, where few people can see you cry. (So lonely...)
1. Do invite the neighbors. This greatly reduces the risk of odor complaints from other tenants. Invite the police and fire dept. too, because then all your bases are covered. And the FBI.
2. Do improvise. Bed sheets are just napkins waiting to happen. Napkins are just plates waiting to happen. Your hands are just forks waiting to happen.
3. Don’t actually cook anything. 
Photo: iStockphoto | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012
Your mouth’s natural warmth and body heat from your stomach can surely “cook” the burgers naturally. Use the time you saved to read the next sentence!
4. Do take photos. Because Instagram needs more shots of young people at a sad party. And if one of your friends is fully engulfed in flames, remember the rule of thumb: No less than three pictures before putting him out. And use the ole-timey filter.
5. Do tell your guests to bring iPods with their favorite tunes. Then download celebrity commencement speeches on them when they’re not looking. This is your party, dammit! You control the music.
Tell ‘em how it’s gotta be, Jo-Dee Fostahh!
6. Do get a boombox that runs on D batteries.
Photo: iStockphoto | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012
Because how else will the D-Battery economy survive?
7. Do get enough ice to make North Pole explorer Frederick Cook happy. If you run out of ice, use the coolant from a fire extinguisher to chill beer and unsuspecting feet. Or see what happens when you put water in the microwave and set it for negative 7 minutes.
8. Don’t grill on the window sill. That’s a pigeons toilet. (Use your mouth heat, as mentioned above.)
9. Do buy huge bottles of soda while you still can. (Thanks, Mayor Bloomberg!)
10. Do get someone to buy fireworks from New Hampshire or New Mexico (whichever’s closer) and bring them across state lines. Better yet, have your friend ride the fireworks across state lines.
11. Don’t touch the fire.
Photo: iStockphoto | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012
Coals can stay hot long after you've stopped grilling, so don't touch them with your hands or try to pick them up with your eyelids. If you do, remember: Instagram! Use the Toaster filter, which was created solely for candid coal-in-the-eyelid snaps.