There is no better place in the universe than America (until Neptune gets its act together with that water park). With its amber waves of grain and purple mountains and baseball and freedom and Internet nudity and Zach Galifianakis, why would you want to live anywhere else? If you’re still packing your bags and moving to Paraguay, take a minute to read this list of 110 scientifically proven reasons that the land of the free is better than everything!
1. British soldiers can’t take over your house! However, if they ask nicely you may want to let them in because they are usually charming as hell and very tidy.
2. The highways! Traffic sucks, but if the roads are clear, highway driving with the windows down is like watching the best painting in the world while the wind slaps you in the face as if to say, “Dude! Dude! Are you seeing this?”
3. Nothing compares to an American girl. The women’s liberation movement mixed with a healthy diet of trashy reality shows and sexy lady’s magazine have turned USA girls into sexually adventurous creatures who actually know what “reverse cowgirl” is (trust us, in Europe, it means something else entirely, and you want any part of it).
4. Yoga pants.
5. Our military is legendary. The men and women of the armed forces are genuine, no-bullshit superheroes.
6. There are no laws against drunk kite flying. Go upset (or flirt with?) birds!
7. Our movies are better! James Bond notwithstanding, the USA has all the great movie franchises: Indiana Jones, Star Wars, Marvel superhero movies, Air Bud...
8. The Constitution protects the right of peaceful assembly. Your voice can be heard and your opinion matters. Sure, this is great when it comes to protesting or supporting our leaders, but it’s most useful for letting the entire Starbucks know how you feel about last night’s episode of The Walking Dead. That’s the true power of democracy and freedom.
9. You can complain about the government without fear of life imprisonment! And for that reason, we can say: The Forest Reserve Act of 1890 was complete bullshit! Screw you, forests! You’re just fancy woods!
10. We have firefighters! Think about that: Every city and town has a group of men and women whose job it is to fight fire. And we all have their phone number! That’s like having your own wizard on-call!
11. There is no law against sleeping with your roommate’s girlfriend. That’s a lot of power you can wield. It’s not our job to say you should do it, but legally speaking, you’re in the clear.
12. Spiders aren’t a protected animal. Squish ‘em.
13. The Ghostbusters are from here.
14. Americans are smart! While Jurassic Park isn’t located in America, it did take an American scientist to warn the others that cloning dinosaurs for the purposes of entertainment was not a good idea. See? Smart.
16. Our laws regarding professional wrestling are surprisingly lax.
17. Not every American is armed, but we could be. Oh yes...we could be. [Smiles towards would-be villains]
18. A motorcycle trip between New York and California will always result in a story worthy of being directed by Quentin Tarantino.
19. Bigfoot is out there. Somewhere.
20. The Constitution protects the freedom of the press, which means we’re allowed to murder anyone we want! (Up to three people a year.)