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16 Animals We Wish Were Extinct

Oh no!  Welsh Corgis are at risk of going extinct! Here are some creatures we'd rather see go. Er, sorry we're not sorry, Animal Kingdom. 

 
SECTION 1: PERVERTS
Bed Bugs: Rough Sex
They procreate through "traumatic insemination," meaning the male doesn't bother looking for the female's "special entrance," opting instead to use his spike penis to stab her and then screw the hole. Ah, romance.
 
Porcupines: Water Sports
Nothing turns a chick porcupine on like a golden shower. Males drench 'em in urine from up to six feet away, and if she likey, it's go time. If not, she bolts. Ladies...it's piss! Don't be so picky!
 
Sea Hares: Daisy-Chaining
Sporting both male and female sex organs, they'll often link up, with the first one playing the male, the last one the female, and the poor bastards in the middle playing both. It's like that night in Vegas that you and your buddies agreed to never, ever talk about.
 
Dolphin: Penis Grabber
In 1991 a 39-year-old Englishman went for an unwanted swim after a dolphin grabbed him with its freakishly long, flexible wang and towed him helplessly through the water. No wonder they're always so happy.
 
SECTION 2: IDIOTS
Bald Ibis: Useless Scrounger
Prone to frequently getting lost and/or crash-landing, it also has poor stamina and, according to researchers, is just too damn fat and lazy to fly. It thrives when looked after in zoos, but out in the wild it's hopeless. It's nature's practical joke on well-meaning wildlife preservationists.
 
Octopus Vulgaris: Self-Cannibalism
Taking fingernail-biting to a whole new level, the octo-idiot chews off limbs to rid itself of viral infections. If the limb grows back infected, it'll keep at it until it dies (just like Kirstie Alley stuck in an elevator).
 
Horse: Evolution's Simpleton
It's strong and fast with no natural predators, but for some reason (read: it's a fricking idiot) it remains utterly unaware of this, reacting to every noise and movement like a twitchy kidnapper in his fifth straight day of bargaining with the hostage negotiator, freaking out at the sound of his own farts.
 
Honeybee: Suicide Humper
After mating, the male's endophallus (or "bee dong") gets ripped off, leaving him to crawl off and die. Even after watching it happen to 20 of his buddies, he'll still go for it, in the bee equivalent of going home with Lorena Bobbitt to check out her scissor collection.
 
SECTION 3: BASTARDS
Japanese Giant Hornet: Flesh Dissolver
The horrid hornet delivers a poison that'll melt the skin off your hand. Forty people die each year because of its flesh-melting hobby.
 
Brazilian Wandering Spider: Boner Jam
Injects venom that causes agonizing erections that can be treated only by puncturing the penis and draining the stagnant blood. Asshole.
 
Reef Stonefish: Vacation Killjoy
Sits and waits for folks to step on it, thereby poisoning their central nervous systems. Victims beg for the affected limbs to be amputated. Happy now, fish?
 
Hippopotamus: Angry Jerk
It'll happily charge down and CHEW THE LEGS OFF OF ANYONE, killing more than 200 every year. To add to its pointlessly unpleasant nature, it marks its territory with poop it sprays around with its twirling tail.
 
SECTION 4: NIGHTMARES
Argonaut Octopus: Sneaking Wang
There are few things as disturbing and downright wrong as the mating ritual of the argonaut octopus. When a male sees a sexy lady octopus, a modified arm loaded with sperm explodes from his body and swims, by itself, toward her, finding its own way and delivering its payload. Spooning is not in the cards for this creep.
 
Fruit Fly: Giant Tadpole
What's so nightmarish about this harmless-looking insect? Simple: It produces a sperm that's 20 times the length of its body. Before you shrug that off, picture yourself unleashing a sperm 120 feet long. Now stop trying...
 
Honey Badger: Satan's Minion
Sounds cute, doesn't it? It's not. It's a nightmare. Besides clearing out bees' nests by farting into them, it's also insanely violent. It routinely destroys animals like lions and buffalo by charging headlong at the enemy's scrotum and tearing it off with its teeth.
 
Naked Mole Rat: Nature's Accident
There's nothing too awful about it as such - it doesn't spread disease and isn't considered a pest-but just look at it! Thank you, Mother Nature, for showing us what our cock would look like if it grew a pair of fangs.

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