With Obama headed for the Capitol today to begin three more days of negotiations about the 2014 budget, the nation waits with bated breath to see what kind of rational, effective, bipartisan solution will be announced by Congress. Just kidding! We're in for months' more name-calling, blame-throwing, and general fuck-wittery from both sides of the aisle, and possibly the ones having slap-fights in the middle of it. With that in mind, here is a list of 20 things that would work better than Congress (which we had to cut down from a list of every single thing that has ever existed, ever).
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1. Strapless suspenders.
2. A soccer ball that feels human pain.
3. Calling a hobo collect.
4. Spooning a porcupine.
5. Bringing a banana to a knife-fight.
6. Convincing your Amish friend to try laser tag.
7. Triangular tires.
8. Uncarving a Jack-O-Lantern.
9. Going back to the future without threatening the very fabric of the space-time continuum.
10. The musical Cats starring real cats.
11. A North Korean potluck.
12. Spotless dominoes.
13. Using your knowledge of Greek mythology as a pick-up line.
14. Butt-chugging Smirnoff Ice
15. John Boehner's "Natural Look" spray tan.
17. A hamburger that screams when you bite it.
18. Underpants made from hot cheese and sandpaper.
19. A wicker beer mug.