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2007: The Year in Balls

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December 31

A bunch of people stand around in the cold and wait for Dick Clark’s ball to drop. Gross.
2007yearInBalls_jan01.jpgJanuary 1
After harsh criticism from Shaq and others, the NBA discontinues the use of a new synthetic basketball and goes back to the original. Despite our harsh criticism, Kazaam is still available at video stores.
2007yearInBalls_feb01.jpgFebruary 1
An Internet video shows how to unlock a car door using a tennis ball. Poke a hole in the ball, line up the hole with the keyhole, press with all your weight, and—presto!—you’re doing five years for grand theft auto.
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February 18

An uproar is heard when the Newbery Medal, the most prestigious award in children’s literature, is awarded to The Higher Power of Lucky, a novel for 10-year-old girls that contains the word scrotum.
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May 7

In the only exciting thing that has ever happened in the world of soccer, phenom Freddy Adu is struck in the head with a golf ball while hitting the links with his Salt Lake City teammates.
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June 17

A Texas fan walks into a Sooners bar and—shocker!—a fight erupts. The Sooner allegedly grabs the Longhorn by the scrotum and literally rips his balls out. This is why we never take our balls to bars.
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August 1

The 25th annual Testicle Festival in Montana kicks off with wet T-shirt contests, topless oil wrestling, and a deep-fried bull testicle eating contest. Call us when there’s a deep-fried testicle oil wrestling contest.
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September 10

Extreme Brazilian: In Florida a convicted rapist agrees to be castrated in exchange for a reduced sentence. Still hoping for the “and then was eaten by a gator” news follow-up.
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September 15

Designer Marc Ecko buys Barry Bonds’ 756th home run ball for $752,467 and gives it to the Baseball Hall of Fame with a large red asterisk emblazoned on it. Might want to see a doctor about that.
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October 8

The question “Are testicles separate or connected?” appears on Yahoo!’s Answers forum. Maxim editors quietly await an answer.