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2007: The Year in Balls

December 31

A bunch of people stand around in the cold and wait for Dick Clark’s ball to drop. Gross.
2007yearInBalls_jan01.jpgJanuary 1
After harsh criticism from Shaq and others, the NBA discontinues the use of a new synthetic basketball and goes back to the original. Despite our harsh criticism, Kazaam is still available at video stores.
2007yearInBalls_feb01.jpgFebruary 1
An Internet video shows how to unlock a car door using a tennis ball. Poke a hole in the ball, line up the hole with the keyhole, press with all your weight, and—presto!—you’re doing five years for grand theft auto.
February 18

An uproar is heard when the Newbery Medal, the most prestigious award in children’s literature, is awarded to The Higher Power of Lucky, a novel for 10-year-old girls that contains the word scrotum.
May 7

In the only exciting thing that has ever happened in the world of soccer, phenom Freddy Adu is struck in the head with a golf ball while hitting the links with his Salt Lake City teammates.
June 17

A Texas fan walks into a Sooners bar and—shocker!—a fight erupts. The Sooner allegedly grabs the Longhorn by the scrotum and literally rips his balls out. This is why we never take our balls to bars.
August 1

The 25th annual Testicle Festival in Montana kicks off with wet T-shirt contests, topless oil wrestling, and a deep-fried bull testicle eating contest. Call us when there’s a deep-fried testicle oil wrestling contest.
September 10

Extreme Brazilian: In Florida a convicted rapist agrees to be castrated in exchange for a reduced sentence. Still hoping for the “and then was eaten by a gator” news follow-up.
September 15

Designer Marc Ecko buys Barry Bonds’ 756th home run ball for $752,467 and gives it to the Baseball Hall of Fame with a large red asterisk emblazoned on it. Might want to see a doctor about that.
October 8

The question “Are testicles separate or connected?” appears on Yahoo!’s Answers forum. Maxim editors quietly await an answer.