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2009 Sex Survey: The Answers Will Shock and Arouse

SexSurvey_blog4.jpgWe don’t make a habit of editorializing our own editorial content, but this year’s survey of 2,000 women on their attitudes toward sex left too little room in our March issue for the slack-jawed amazement with which we greeted many of the results. Here’s just a taste of our fleshly findings…

Jordan: Understandable if the vagina in question is made by Daihatsu, in which case it may not be able to withstand the rigors of six-minute sex. Otherwise, this development is a total head scratcher. Everything we've come to know about the female perspective regarding sex is that intercourse, much like the resultant complaining afterward, can't last long enough; that the average woman is not unlike an old gas-powered lawnmower that requires hours of labored rips on the starter cord before feeling ready for so much as a push around the estate, let alone an explosion of pube and grass clippings.

Sure, this response represents only six percent of women, but it flies right in the face of every sexual theorem understood by men and every joke made about my sexual aptitude by all but one of my girlfriends, a post-menopausal mother of nine with dryness issues. Women comprising this six percent: MAKE YOURSELVES KNOWN. You'll be more coveted by potential suitors than a virgin heiress who lactates ale.

Jimmy: Why, hello 6 percent of all women! Want my number?

SexSurvey_blog2.jpg48.8% OF WOMEN HAVE HAD ANAL SEX
Jimmy: This figure sounds suspiciously as though the women saying yes are just doing so to please their guy—meaning, unfortunately, it probably isn't a sustainable sexual practice and more likely represents a one-off adventure. No matter your sex, the tailpipe is an exit-only opening for most, and we can't imagine this many girls actually derive pleasure from getting rear-ended. So while nearly 50 percent of women surveyed say they've tried anal, we seriously doubt many enjoy it regularly. Consider our tears an act of solidarity, lads, for we too share your shattered dreams.

Jordan: This is a highly encouraging statistic unless you're a parent whose kids have used the a-hole as a loophole around promises made to preserve their virginity. The very fact that almost one out of two women have given the two hole a shot means that change really has come. Obama '08, y'all!!!

Jordan: Whatever happened to the triangle? It's the shape most native to the terrain. Hell, it even points you right toward the fun part. But somewhere between the wild, unkempt outback endemic of 1970s grooming and the current pursuit of pre-teen pubis reflected in our survey, we lost our direction as a society. Thankfully, that direction is already outlined by a woman's lower abdomen.

Don't get me wrong, I like to pretend it's an alien burn victim too sometimes, but unless the area has been recently 'scaped, it's like licking eel skin. Also interesting is that our research revealed that, while only 3.2% of women claim to sport full bush, a full 10.2% prefer it in their men. This double standard proves that women have yet to break the wool ceiling.

Jimmy: Unless they're auditioning for a guest role on To Catch A Predator, most guys don't like a totally bald hoo-ha. Besides resembling that of a prepubescent girl, an excessively groomed nether region requires contestant upkeep, lest she's a sadist who wants you to jam out on an area akin to 300-grit sandpaper. And, let's face it—any body part that's earned the less-than-flattering nickname "roast beef curtains" could benefit from a few layers of fluffy concealment.