User menu

Main menu

Funny

3 Survival Lessons We Learned From Black Friday

Not only are there sales, there's also crazy people who will kill you.


Photo: Stan Honda / AFP / Getty Images | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012

Thanksgiving is officially over (although our guts seems to think otherwise) and thankfully, so is Black Friday. While we're guessing your ears are still ringing from the endless early Christmas music, screaming children that shouldn't be allowed in public places past 2pm, and dedicated shoppers who've been sleeping outside the store since Easter, you sucessfully made it out alive. Others weren't as lucky, unable to escape the mayhem without some sort of violent altercation reminiscent of 300. The possibility of turning into the latter by next year is likely (with age comes an insatiable appetite for a bargain), so we decided to help deter the transformaiton and expose three Black Friday warning signs so your future is void of orange jumpsuits and slippery soaps.

1. Steer clear of gang fights, and if involved in one, try not to tweet about it.
In Kentwood, Michigan, a massive fight broke out in front of a JC Penny at the Woodland Mall. Instead of taking any type of physical action to stop it, most onlookers just continuously tweeted about the incident (ahh, the next generation). According to the moronic tweeters, cops tackled participants and sprayed an entire group of people with pepper spray. After those affected ran off coughing and gagging, everything seemed to go back to normal - or at least it did for Nick Vandermyde, who apparently tweeted “Woodland Mall is the place to go! Not busy at all.” You are an idiot, Nick Vandermyde.

2. If you’re considering cutting the line to get into that department store, think again. Especially if you’re in the South.
In San Antonio, Texas, a man tried to cut to the front of the line to get into a local Sears. Not a good restaurant, or an awesome bar, or fucking Space Mountain - Sears. Of course, this pissed off fellow shoppers, particularly those who were still infuriated over the fact that they cut their gorge-fest short only to wait in line outside, freezing their asses off. Needless to say, this wasn't a wise decision - name-calling ensued, and the offending line-cutter threw a punch. Again, this was not a wise decision (you may notice unwise decisions being a pattern here), and the recipient pulled out a gun, causing the punch-happy pusher-in to cower behind a refrigerator. Eventually he ran off and shopping continued soon after. Despite his carrying of a firearm, the man was not charged with anything, since he had a license to carry. And that, people, is is why you do not fuck with Texans.

3. If you feel like you need to try and kill someone at your local Wal-Mart, you should probably spend Black Friday somewhere more appropriate (like a mental hospital).
Two people were shot outside of a Tallahassee Wal-Mart after fighting over a parking spot. While both parties survived the attack, police plan on charging the suspect with attempted murder, and as far as we know, you can’t bring your discounted Xbox with you to prison. In other words, all is lost.

The Year's Worst Sex Scenes in Literature
From Russia With Lust: Daria Konovalova