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3 Ways To Kick Ass With Cheese

What if your cheddar could make everything better?

According to the International Dairy Foods Association, more than one-third of all milk produced each year in the U.S. is used to manufacture cheese (are you picturing thousands of lactating cow teats? Congratulations, you are now!). It’s not a surprise - cheese has benefits, y’all. For example, we are all taught from a young age that milk (and therefore cheese) contains calcium, which builds strong bones. Does it matter that this “fact” we are all taught is actually wrong and that milk and cheese are terrible for your bones? Hell no! This is America, and if something is bad for us, we’ll just make it even more unhealthy on general principal, because no one tells us what to do, mom! But is it possible to make solidified dairy goop benefit us without having to eat the stuff? Yes! Cheese can be used in a multitude of ways to save your life when danger strikes, so pack a fat wedge (of cheese!) in your panties when traveling, fellas.

1. The Cheese Shield
Photo: iStockphoto | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2013

Did you know you can protect your body, trailer home, and lawn ornaments with cheese? It’s true! If you live somewhere that is prone to dangerous natural disasters like hurricanes, blizzards, or maybe angry, lactating cows, you can shield your valuable belongings in durable plastic wraps created by remnants from the cheese-making process. You see, Spanish researchers have invented a process that turns cheese waste (fun fact: “Cheese Waste” was the name of our high school ska band) into plastic. To create the plastic, the whey collected as a by-product of cheese-making is filtered and spray-dried to extract the pure protein, creating several thin layers that form a durable and handy piece of air-tight, water-resistant plastic film. Basically, what this means is that, if you need to shrink-wrap a bunch of your possessions and you also own a variety of industrial food processing machines, you are so in luck!

2. The Cheese Cannon

Photo: iStockphoto | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2013

If you find yourself sailing the seven seas, it’s best to sail protected. Pirates are real, pal, and you will need to be equipped to fend off a high-speed boat full of AK-wielding corsairs. Because cannonballs are so last millennium (and are no longer sold at Walmart), it’s advisable to sail with a different set of cheesy balls. No, we’re not making a dick joke: We’re suggesting it’s time to invest in a pile of stale cheese balls, and use them as ammunition if you find yourself under siege, like Uruguayan seamen did in 1865. Yes, it sounds too dumb to be true, but it really happened. In the midst of a naval battle between Uruguay and Brazil, a Uruguayan ship ran out of cannonballs, finding only piles and piles of stale Dutch cheese on deck. Instead of surrendering, the commander ordered his men to fire the cheese balls from the cannons, and in one of those moments where fate just shoves its middle finger up and drops the mic, one of those cheese balls shattered the main mast of the Brazilian ship, killing two men with cheese shrapnel and shredding the ship’s sails. The Brazilian ship was forced to retreat, presumably from sheer disbelief as much as anything. So the next time you’re wondering whether to stock extra ammunition or a few dozen cases of near-their-expiry-date Mini Babybels, you know what to do.

3. The Super-Unlikely Cheese Science

Photo: iStockphoto | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2013

We would like to think the world sees us as fancy and sophisticated, and as the sort of people who enjoy snacking on fine, dinner party cheeses. But the truth is, we’ve never actually been invited to a dinner party, so we have to admit that our favorite cheese is the no-name neon orange kind that’s sold next to the Gatorade at 7-Eleven. While that kind of cheese is a diet staple of pretty much every guy who’s too lazy to learn to cook, science, unfortunately, claims that, of all the cheeses, that kind is unquestionably the worst. As well as all the usual stuff about fat and sodium, it turns out that a lot of individually wrapped cheese slices contain phthalates. In a nutshell, these are the chemicals they use in the manufacturing of those little plastic wrappers, and they’re seeping through the wrapper and into the actual cheese. That’s right – those chemicals that are designed to make products like vinyl floor tiles and paints more flexible are now in your sandwich, and unsurprisingly, that ain’t good for you.

But screw that! We’ve read superhero comics – for every accidental dousing in supposedly lethal chemicals, there’s another spandex-wearing crime-fighter on the streets, the power of a thousand suns exploding from his fingertips. We’re betting it’s only a matter of time before years of unfettered processed cheese-eating grants us powers beyond our wildest dreams! Or at least the equivalent powers of a vinyl floor tile. Water resistant, bendy, nigh-indestructible, and vulnerable only to persistent scuff marks? Sounds alright to us. Pass the cheese and let the dawn of the cheese-mutants begin!

Check out World's Most Expensive Cheese Comes From A Donkey and Fine Ladies With Food