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30 Reasons to Give Thanks

The year was 1621, and upon sitting down to feast with their Native American hosts, the Pilgrims bowed their heads and thanked the Lord above that they had plenty to eat and that none of their stupid belt-buckle Pilgrim hats had blown overboard on the voyage over from England.

Fast-forward a couple of centuries and, annoyingly, the “giving thanks” tradition of those square-toe-shoe-wearing freaks continues every fourth Thursday in November. There you are, surrounded by (probably drunk) relatives who won’t let you cram stuffing into your face before you tell everyone what you’re thankful for. Sick of giving canned “I’m thankful I’m not sick” types of answers? This year join us in thanking your deity of choice for the following people, places, and nip slips.

1_30Reasons_AlecBaldwin_blog.jpg1. Alec Baldwin
Sure, brother Daniel makes better straight-to-DVD erotic thrillers. And brother Stephen is the best when it comes to…well, anyway. But whether he’s filling our homes with hilarity on 30 Rock or filling his daughter’s voice mail with psychotic rants, Alec is our Baldwin for bromance.

2. South Park
Lars Ulrich must be rolling over in his grave. While he fights for each cent of Metalli-cash, Trey Parker and Matt Stone have put every second of South Park online for free at southparkstudios.com, not to mention behind-the-scenes clips and ringtones. TV moguls missing the greed gene? These dudes truly are fucked up.

3. American Muscle
Buell’s new two-wheeled badass, the 1125CR, made us happy to be alive every time we got off a test ride in one piece. It’s 1,125 cc V-twin engine puts out 146 hp that moves a man to tears. Especially if the aforementioned man forgot to snap on his helmet. $11,695

4. TiVo
DVR? Meh. Apple TV? Maybe when we join the Geek Squad. Give us TiVo, for the merry “pop pop!” it makes when we program it to record 3 a.m. Skinemax and its cheerful cooperation when we pause and frame-advance through UFC nut punches. TiVo, you sweet, loyal friend.

5. The Morning-After Pill
Having moms who like to tell us that we were mistakes, we appreciate this life-blocking product. If it prevents more people like us from being born, how can there be any ethical debate?

6. Billy Ray Cyrus
For producing Miley Cyrus, the first thing to come from Billy Ray that doesn’t smell like tractor grease and Pabst Blue Ribbon. At least not yet.

7. God
For he bringeth life, peace, and Catholic school girl uniforms.

8. Nip Slips
Aureolas escaping the clutches of brassieres never gets old. Unless said aureola is old. Note to Phyllis Diller: Wear layers.

9. Bia and Branca Feres
We found two reasons to count the days till the 2012 Olympics: Brazilian synchronized swimmers the Feres twins. We have no idea if Bia (the hot one) and Branca (the other hot one) can medal, but do you really care? See you in London!

10_30Reasons_Yeast_blog.jpg10. Yeast
Its effect on sugars and grains forms products that help us stop crying when we think about our lives. Yeast, you put the “fun” in unicellular fungi.

10. Devin Hester
The Bears have been— what’s the word?—fuckin’ awful. But save the bath-room breaks for when Kyle Orton has the ball, because freak of nature Hester turns any kickoff into poetry. Sweaty, concussed poetry.

11. Online Porn
Imagine a scary time when perverts had to wait weeks for videotapes featuring naked people to arrive in the mail. Those were dark, flaccid days.

12. A Goonies Sequel Has Been Commissioned
Get ready for a balding Data and a CGI Mama Fratelli, because word is that writers have been hired for Goonies part two. And this isn’t going to be some straight-to-DVD number; it’s going to be in a real, live movie theater with Swedish fish and everything!

13. Gene Simmons’ T-shirt
We’re so very thankful Gene kept it on during his sex tape. We’ll bet it would take the whole Kiss Army to machete-hack through that back hair.

14. The Prospect of Inglorious Bastards
Scalped Nazis + Brad Pitt’s sculpted body = Tarantino’s sickest flick yet. We think. We’re not very good at math.

15. Michael Phelps
Our 12,000-calorie-a-day diet is finally validated.

10_30Reasons_Yeast_blog.jpg16. Yeast
Its effect on sugars and grains forms products that help us stop crying when we think about our lives. Yeast, you put the “fun” in unicellular fungi.

17. Sassy TV Judges
There are more court shows on daytime TV than you can shake a deadbeat dad at, but nothing makes unemployment fly by like watching Judge Hatchett (or Judy, Marilyn Milian, etc.) ream out someone for not paying his trailer rent. Boredom adjourned!

18. Monsters
From the Montauk monster (a bloated, unidentifiable creature that washed up on the shores of Long Island this summer) to the body of bigfoot (OK, it was a rubber suit) to a cat with four ears (real!), monsters are making a major comeback. And we couldn’t be happier. At this rate the chupacabra tattoo on our ankle will be cool in no time!

19. HoffSpace
Thank you, David Hasselhoff, for filling a social-networking void on the Internet. Now, through HoffSpace, we can finally connect with friends and purchase posters of you in various stages of undress.

20_30Reasons_olga2_blog.jpg20. The Next Bond Girl
As a revenge-obsessed assassin who finds herself squarely in 007’s boner wheelhouse, Quantum of Solace’s Olga Kurylenko gets our vote as the hottest Bond girl ever. (Please, Halle, don’t be mad, baby. ) Olga hails from Ukraine, which hasn’t seen such glory since it split from the U.S.S.R. Vodka and Olga? Maybe Communism had its merits after all.

21. That We Didn’t Buy a First-Generation iPhone
Remember when they cost $600 and had all those glitches? Now they’re only $200, and you still get the glitches. That’s a $400 savings!

22. Cheese
It may constipate us for days, but all the more time for our stomach to savor that four-year-old Dutch Gouda.

23. Fire
We wouldn’t have human civilization—or tonight’s dinner—without you. Everdure has harnessed its power with the eBQ grill, which sports surround lighting and cooking features advanced enough to smoke fish or make a pizza. The cave men would be proud! And then thoroughly confused, resulting in their attacking it with a rock.

24. NBA Live
Did some D-league castaway crack Milwaukee’s rotation? Is Carmelo taking more midrange jumpers than last year? We heart NBA Live 09’s Dynamic DNA feature, which updates players’ abilities as the actual season progresses. (Spoiler alert: The Knicks will still suck.)

25. The Flomax Guys
When it comes to pill commercials, we’ll take potty-break insecurity over dong-size insecurity any day. For the record, we urinate a lot. Max out!

26. Waking Up to Fresh-Baked Bread
Alfie Lake makes an alarm clock that wakes you up with this inviting scent. The downside? Tastes like metal and plastic.

27. Watching Sports on HDTV
From swarms of mayflies in the Cleveland outfield to swarms of bacne on ’roided-out pro wrestlers, HDTV lets us see and hopefully one day smell it all.

30_30Reasons_pig_blog.jpg28. Our Moose-Hunting Mom Never Got Into Politics
Tickle fights with grumpy Uncle McCain can get messy in the absence of adult diapers.

29. Nose Hair Trimmers
The NoseVac No Hair Left Behind device shreds nasal weeds and has a built-in vacuum to suck up the leavings and save your marriage.

30. The Noble Swine
Whether you’re devouring bacon, grilling up spareribs, getting international with some chorizo, or trying to impress people by ordering Bo Ssäm, one thing is certain: No other animal begs to be killed, cut up, cooked slowly, and ingested more than our friend the pig. Thanks for being so tasty, porky pal!
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