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4 Annoying Types Of People (Who Science Says Will Outlive You)

The fifth type was “people who write list features," but we didn’t have space for it.

Annoying people are everywhere, but are most frequently found on public transit, at music festivals, and starring in their own reality TV shows. While an encounter with an annoying person can totally ruin your lunch break, some people have had their lives ruined by annoying people. Just ask Nicki Minaj’s manager, or anyone who has ever met Carrot Top. But the really frustrating thing is, even as they make your life worse, some annoying people are actually prolonging their own lives through the sheer power of being annoying – just so they can be around longer to annoy us. Here are four types of irritating people who will, in all likelihood, live longer than you…

Photo: | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2013

Because people who complain are extremely draining, everyone hates conversing with them for long, so their demands are usually quickly fulfilled (most of the time while using expired coupons). Befriending a complainer is a daunting commitment; that’s why they’re often spotted riding their motorized scooters alone through Kmart. Yet, if you’re interested in receiving free life-necessities like cottage cheese and orange juice, and increasing your years here on planet Earth, learning from a really good complainer could be your ticket on life’s longevity train, friend-o.

You see, the process of complaining can result in a sense of validation, which in turn enables Captain Complainy-Pants to feel both recognized and accepted. Psychologically, receiving a response acknowledging that you were right in your complaint confirms that your thoughts have been recognized as understandable to the community. When a complainer declares something like, “Hey, I hate this establishment’s prices. I want this bucket of chicken for fifty-nine cents!” and their request is met, they will feel validated and will, as a result, de-stress. Surprise! Stress can have a negative impact on the heart, and since complaining is linked to stress-relief, it seems like whining about every little thing may actually be good for your body. Although naturally, there will still be something about that that gives them cause to complain. 

Photo: | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2013

For some annoying (yet extremely well dressed) humans, fashion is their “way of life.” And boy, do they love letting everyone know about it – including homeless people, sometimes. You’ve heard them: “Oh, hey. Do you own anything as expensive as this Rolex that I just purchased for the season? It is super nice. Nicer than your car, even. I polish it often. What do you polish? Also, feel my cashmere scarf.” In Viking times, it would have been perfectly legal to punt such people off the nearest cliff, and this is only one of the reasons why Vikings were awesome.

Here’s the thing, though – it’s been documented that shopping relates to several aspects of personal wellbeing, and may actually confer increased longevity. Sorry, but it’s true; shopping is actually proven to be good for both mental and physical health. It can do some super wild stuff like release mood-lifting endorphins, boost the immune system, and keep the brain alert. That’s probably why people who dress nice always seem to have the energy to yak loudly on their iPhones in very public places.


Photo: | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2013

Cat Ladies
Every neighborhood has a cat lady, and every cat lady lives to be at least 100-years-old. The Internet itself is actually powered purely by the collective crazy of 10 million crazy cat ladies (and, y’know, electricity, and junk), so we know it’s powerful stuff. Now, if you’ve ever known a girl who squeals every time she sees a cat in the distance, or shows you 58 identical photos of her cat that she took that morning because, “He just has so many different expressions!” you’ll know that there’s nothing inherently wrong with wishing a swift death to these people.

But surprise! Again! (If you are actually surprised, you have not been following this article very well.) While your friendly neighborhood cat fancier may appear to be completely screwy, she’s not actually crazy. Far from it: Several studies show that cat ownership improves mental health, and is even known to assist with focusing overactive brains. It can also lower blood pressure and reduce the risk of brain cancer. That’s right: Crazy cat lady’s brains are so focused on being annoying, they don’t have time to get cancer! They can still look forward to having their lonely, undiscovered bodies eaten by their pets when they do eventually kick the bucket however, so apparently there is some justice in the universe.

Photo Courtesy of MTV

Summer is here, and that means that swarms of orange-skinned, tank top-wearing guidos are currently descending on establishments like GNC and Gold’s Gym. Sorry, mankind, their hibernation period is over. If you need to escape them, seek refuge in a library: They’ve never been there before. They don’t know how it works. Now, while most guidos do dangerous things like tint their Escalade’s windows too dark, wear studded jeans, or beat up the beat in an enclosed area, some of their natural behaviors are actually prolonging their hair product-obsessed lives. The main one of these? Sex.

If you’ve seen Jersey Shore, you’ll know how easy it is for a Guido to bang a Guidette. Not since a baboon first bared its brightly colored rump to a female and shouted, “Wanna bone, baboon-chick?” in monkey-talk has the mating ritual been so simple in a species, and the rate at which Guidos escort leopard print-wearing girls home from terrible, terrible clubs is truly staggering. This process is repeated night after night until Labor Day, and since extremely credible doctors like Dr. Oz have attested to the fact that maintaining the health of the body’s sex organs ensures longevity and helps support a rich and fulfilling life, it’s hard to argue with that Guido lifestyle. Regular sex is also great at warding off illnesses, because frequent fornication builds stronger immune systems and produces more of the antigen immunoglobulin, the body's first line of defense against the common cold and flu. So, learn from the Guido, and bone hard. Bone often. Don’t worry about your reputation: If someone calls you skeevy, simply alert them to the fact that you’re improving your health. And then ask them if they would like to have some sex with you. Bro.

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