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4 Kids Who Could Kick Our Asses In Real Life

Because our lives could use a little more embarrassment.

Photo: Obalazs / iStockPhoto | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2013

Right now, the theaters are jammed with certain smack-talking kids strapping on capes and taking to the streets to lay down mature, grown-up brands of ass-beatings - also known as the stars of Kick-Ass 2. But we are not losing sight of fact that this is a movie, filmed in a studio, with actors and a combination of computers, claymation, and the solemn castration ceremony for which Hollywood is known (full disclosure: we may not know how movies work). While that song-and-dance is a great way to spend and afternoon and $65 (we weren’t kidding about not knowing how movies work, that’s probably right though), we decided to let reality be the real judge of which kids can and cannot beat us mercilessly until we throw up. These four kids easily made the cut.

The 10-Year-Old Who Foiled A Robbery
On a Monday afternoon in June, two robbers disguised as delivery men barged into a Brooklyn home and demanded all the money that they had on hand, while the 10-year-old and his mother escaped to an upstairs bedroom. In a turn of events that would make even Kevin McAllister shit his pants, the robber pushed his way into the room with his gun, only to have it taken away by the kid, who then used it to fire a warning shot into the ceiling. The crooks fled, and likely made up a story about “some Andre The Giant-looking dude” who took them down.

The 11-Year-Old Who Stowed-Away Across Country Because He Had Bad Grades
Admittedly, this story is from 1953, when people smoked badass unfiltered cigarettes, drove badass muscle cars, and had badass sing-alongs about how great your friends are (that is badass, right? Right?). Regardless “Little Michael McNamee,” as he’s referred to in the article, hid away on a train from California to Springfield, Illinois, all because he was afraid to show his parents his terrible report card. He even took in a “Cowboy movie star Gene Autry” show on the way, which we assume is slang for some sort of hard 1950’s drug made from wallpaper glue.

The 11-Year-Old Who Joined Real Madrid
Joshua Pynadath has been breaking ankles (and breaking hearts, probably) for enough years to have one of Europe’s top soccer clubs take notice, and make him the first American invited to join their youth squad. Oh, did we mention he’s 11? Well he is. Eleven. He’s 11. We spent most of 11 trying to convince our parents to let us see Jurassic Park and seeing how many Gushers we could get inside our mouths. Now that we think about it, that’s kind of what we are still doing.

The Baby Who Survived the World’s Worst Shipwreck
Millvina Dean was just 9-weeks-old when the ship she was traveling on, the Titanic (ever heard of it?), hit an iceberg and sunk in the middle of the ocean. She was lowered into a lifeboat in a canvas mail sack (which, coincidentally, is where we woke up from our last shipwreck of a Saturday) and was eventually picked up by the Carpathia and taken to dry land. It was there she lived to the ripe old age of 68. JUST KIDDING, Millvina obviously gave two huge bony fingers to the Grim Reaper and lived until she was 97, when she ascended to heaven and was given a penthouse, a cabana by the pool, and every XBOX game ever made.

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