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4 Reasons Why Actual Wolves Could Work On Wall Street

With The Wolf Of Wall Street out now, let’s see if these wild beasts could do a better job of running things.

“Monsters!” you cry. “Beasts! Savages! We should hunt them down and kill the lot of them, before they come in the night to eat our children!” Yes, it’s fair to say that bankers have a bit of a bad rep these days. Martin Scorsese’s new movie isn’t the first time we’ve heard the Wall St. crowd compared to wolves in recent years, but really, is that even fair on the wolves? Turns out – yes! Let’s take a look and see the reasons why our favorite not-a-dog animal could easily replace Wall Street’s finest.


Wolves Like To Take More Than They Need.

Photo Courtesy of 20th Century Fox

If there’s one image synonymous with Wall St, it’s the idea of the “1 percent” – that super-rich group of individuals who own 40% of the nation’s wealth, as illustrated in this illuminating, yet deeply depressing video. This is a collection of people who have far more than they, their families, their pets, their servants, their servants’ families, and their servants’ families’ pets could ever possibly need, and yet they’re still hell-bent on acquiring more at the expense of everyone and everything else. And as it turns out, wolves are totally like this! Aggressive and territorial, wolves habitually claim territories far in excess of what they need to sustain themselves. One overachieving Alaskan wolf pack was found to control a territory covering 2,422 square miles. The size of this wolf pack? Ten wolves. And why? It’s simple - because, just as with the 1% in human society, no other animal is powerful enough to tell them to go fuck themselves. Now, we’re not saying that these people, like wolves, would happily hunt down and disembowel dissenters for sport, but we’re not not saying that, either.


Wolves Will Happily Fuck Each Other Over.

Photo Courtesy of 20th Century Fox

It’s never exactly a shock when some corrupt Wall Street schmuck rats out his colleagues at the first sign of trouble – just look at Frank DiPascali, Bernie Madoff’s former right hand man who, having first started at Madoff’s Wall Street firm in 1975, turned star witness this month in the trials of his co-workers. Turns out, 33 years of working together goes down the pan pretty fast when faced with the prospect of a 125-year jail term. But hey, wolves are better than that, right? Nope! One of the biggest causes of death among wolves is actually other wolves, with one study on wolf mortality in Minnesota finding that anywhere between 13% and 65% of wolf deaths were at the hands (paws?) of their fellow wolves. It’s only a matter of time before those furry bastards figure out how to run a Ponzi scheme based on caribou entrails.


Wolves Will Eat Their Own Mothers. Or Someone Else’s.

Photo Courtesy of 20th Century Fox

Remember Dennis Helliwell, the charmingly charismatic Wall Street con man who made $5 million from defrauding investors, many of whom were close members of his own family? That’s exactly the sort of story we tend to shake our heads at and say, “You know what, not even an animal would treat its family like that.” And you know what? You’d be wrong! Not only are wolves likely to eat the bodies of dead pack members when food is scarce, they’ll even resort to killing off the injured or weaker wolves that aren’t quite dead enough for eating just yet. Now, in fairness to the wolves, we want to stress that this is only in times of dire need, and not just because they felt like four yachts was good, but seven yachts would definitely be better.


Wolves Instinctively Learn To Exploit The Misfortune Of Others.


If there is one sound that’s sure to bring a smile of pure joy to the face of the average tycoon, it’s the sound of a young family being evicted from their home on Christmas Eve because it was obstructing the view of said tycoon’s third-favorite golf course. Obliterating the less fortunate is considered a double whammy on Wall Street, because, come on, how often is a person’s job also their hobby? Wolves, likewise, thrive on exploiting misfortune: When the early settlers were busily exterminating the American bison from the great plains, the wolf population learned to follow the sound of gunshots so they could feed off the carcasses once the hunters were done skinning them. Anyone who’s ever been hit by a series of personal disasters only to have that followed by the bank repossessing their house can probably relate.



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