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4 Things Cockroaches Are Good For

Maybe you should reconsider calling your exterminator...


Photo: W. Willner/ Getty Images | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2014

They Can Generate Electricity
A groups of Japanese researchers recently discovered that the sugar found inside roaches’ bodies – also known as Trehalose - can be used to create electricity. Although the initial results were rather small, the group is now perfecting the idea with their cyborg cockroachesUnfortunately it is as terrifying as it sounds: A special fuel cell is affixed to the insect's back, sucking out the desired fluid, and breaking it down into glucose. Once oxidized, electricity is created. The process is especially well-suited to Madagascar roaches due to their massive size, which - much like your pecker - can be two to three inches long at full maturity. The final results found that each roach was able to generate 50.2 microwatts of power. And while we have no idea how much that is, it should be enough, since we really only need electricity for one thing. (It's porn.)

They Make You Do Some Serious Cardio
Listen, we live in New York City - seeing a roach scurry across your kitchen floor is about as common as getting peed on by a homeless person (so, like, daily). The benefit? You'll most likely be chasing those hard-backed monsters around for a while; they can sprint up to 80 centimeters per second and can dart in the opposite direction without stopping. Plus they can sense approaching threats through a change in air currents, giving them plenty of time to give you a run for your money. Needless to say you'll be getting that gym body in no time, especially if you live in squalor. Hooray for being gross!

They Keep Your House Cleaner Than You Would
Like us, roaches pretty much eat whatever they can find; whether it be rotting meat, sweets, hair, books, or dust, chances are they will indulge in it. Sure, you may have to do something about the unbearable stench clouding your bedroom, but don’t worry about the actual clean-up part; that’s what the roaches are for! They’re practically living vacuum cleaners! So sit back, relax, buy a gas mask, and watch as the creepy crawlers eat all of your trash while you watch TV.

They Help Heal Wounds
Scrape your knee in the midst of a drunken stupor and fear that you're bound to get an infection? Need an amputation? Completely succumb to gangrene? Fear not, hypochondriacs - all you need is a roach infestation.Apparently, pressing shredded roach guts to your wound is thought to help clear the aggravating sting left behind from a cut. Researchers from the University of Nottingham's School of Veterinary Medicine and Science have also found that roach brains are a source of potent antibiotics. Go ahead and cancel your insurance plan, because as long as you live in a shithole, you should be good to go.


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