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4 Things Every Man Should Learn (From A Hippopotamus)

They’re the smoothest animal of all! Literally. They’re covered in mucus.

Don’t let a hippopotamus’ girth, unkempt appearance, and seemingly lackadaisical demeanor fool you – Africa’s resident river horse is considered to be one of the jungle’s most primitive players. If you were to attend a party with a hippopotamus, chances are you’d totally strike out, while your mud-dwelling wingman will go on to enjoy multiple safari rides though the jungle’s most luscious batches of undergrowth. Just like Diddy, Hippopotami live by their own rules, and while some of their behaviors may work best in the wilderness, every man can learn how to improve themselves by emulating the planets’ third largest animal (fourth, if you count Val Kilmer).

How To Attract Herds Of Ladies

Just like every guy registered on PlentyofFish, hippos casually date several (hundred) lady hippos throughout their lives. As with any noncommittal dude, male hippos prefer not to be locked into long-term relationships, and in hopes of gaining access to a potential companion’s private wetlands, a horny hippopotamus isn’t afraid of getting a little - well, a lot - dirty to complete their conquest.


A dude hippopotamus attracts a swamp-loving mamacita by simultaneously urinating and defecating on the ground, while spreading the sexy, sexy mixture around with his tail. “Oh, hey! Do you like what you see, fine lady? There’s more where that came from. In about an hour, probably. Sooner, if you pass me that supersize Mountain Dew and that bucket of nachos.” The lady-hippo returns the favor by also simultaneously excreting her enormous body’s batch of toxins… uh, sensually. Are you sweating? We are. This act is followed by erotic rounds of manure-flying rump shaking. Shortly thereafter, the two smitten mammoths splish-splash into a nearby river, where they rock all sorts of boats and overflow riverbanks with passion-filled waves. And while they’re not looking to exchange vows, male hippos do enjoy the company of their plus-sized companions, as they spend the majority of their time in their native rivers and lakes with groups of up to 30 females. Do you have 30 females at your beck and call? Step your game up, bro.

How To Take Care Of Your Skin

Courtesy of Wikipedia

If you enjoy the way you currently look, it’s important to maintain your complexion as you get older. Ladies hate wrinkles so much that they spend billions of dollars per year trying to avoid them. Therefore, it’s important for your skin to look its best, and hippos agree. Since hippos care about their skin so much, they are genetically equipped with a special layer of moisturizing mucus containing antibacterial properties, which also protects the sun-loving beasts from the sun’s dangerous UV rays. Using hippos’ biology as their inspiration, scientists are considering trying to create triggered exteriors, which would release UV-protection compounds when exposure to the sun becomes overly excessive. So in the future, if you see a sexy girl on a hot beach spontaneously begin to secrete mucus that smells of Hawaiian Tropic, you can thank a hippo. And for us chumps living in the present? Well, it’s time to start using body lotion every day. You know that bottle you keep next to the bed, by the tissues? Yeah. That’s what it’s actually for.

How To Defend Yourself

Photo by Vaclav Silha/Getty Images

Like most carefree dudes, hippopotami have been characterized as sweet, huggable creatures. This is due to the fact that cartoonists have depicted hippos as bumbling imbeciles for several centuries. However, much like Liam Neeson in Taken, when a hippo feels threatened, they become combative crusaders. If you’re frequently poked or harassed by a local trailer park resident, it may be time to take matters into your own hands and throw down like a hippo, because they don’t take shit from no one. They may eat shit, but they don’t take it.

You see, Hippos frequently square off with crocodiles, which you may know better as the most frightening thing that can be turned into a handbag that you’ll ever encounter in a river. Hippos are also known to attack humans - humans with guns, humans with boats, they’re not fussy. When feeling threatened, they will just up and wreck shit, and they really don’t care who or what it is they’re wrecking. They simply open their huge mouths and bellow loudly into the wind, which tends to be enough to ward off potential threats. Much like watching Bette Midler preform live, it’s loud, it’s impressive, and it is terrifying.

How To Maintain A Sense Of Mystery

Photo by Warren Little/Getty Images


Hippos can hear and see, all while keeping the majority of their body submerged underwater. With a clear membrane protecting its eyes and the ability to close its nostrils, a hippo can hold its breath for six minutes or longer, and much like your rotund neighbor Bea at the public swimming pool, adult hippos prefer to clomp slowly across the bottoms of rivers and lakes, rather than swimming. These stealth tactics allow hippos to remain shrouded in mystery, so if a hippo doesn’t feel like Skyping with a chick that he met last summer, he’ll vanish underwater and be like, “What? I didn’t know Jessimae was trying to call. Totally my bad!”

So remain elusive, friend-o. Hippos are rarely seen during the day, because during the day, they rest and chill. They play hard to get until it really matters. And when it really matters, they windmill their mucus-slicked feces in a potential lover’s face. Doesn’t that sound like a life that all men should aspire to?



Want more animal advice? Check out How To Handle A Moose (That's In Love With You), or try our quiz that asks, Are You A Dinosaur?