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4 Ways The Air Force Can Get More Young Pilots

Did you know the air force is short on pilots? Well, now you do.

According to the LA Times, the United States Air Force (the group that brought you such hits as, Rolling Thunder, Desert Fox, and Shock and Awe) is short about 200 pilots. To encourage new Top Guns to sign up, Uncle Sam is offering a $25,000 a year retention bonus on top of the usual salary ($34,000 to $97,000). But to get the best, you need to offer more than money: Fighter jocks must be in great shape to withstand the G-forces from banking and maneuvering at incredible speeds; they need near-perfect (or better) vision to see those itty bitty targets (real life simulation here); and have to be comfortable enough in their sexuality to play an awesome game of topless beach volleyball. How do you get the young stars that fit those criteria? Here’s how, Mr. Air Force!

Ironic Call Signs
The kids these days are all about the irony. Nobody really enjoys anything for the sake of enjoying it – they just adopt something shitty that was popular 20 years ago in a mocking wink to the past. Badass tags like “Ice Man” and “Maverick” just aren’t going to cut it with this crowd. But names like “Sparkle Pony” and “He-Man” and “1985 Mazda Miata” are sure to be instant hits.

Flex Hours
The modern millennial workforce has no interest in “clocking in” with The Man like grandpa used to do at the tractor factory. Give the future fighter pilots of America the chance to work from home a day or two a week. And, really, what’s the worst that could happen if they show up an hour or two late to the Monday briefing?

Better Dental Plan
Nothing funny about plaque, yo.

Cool Startup Environment
Look at all these cool startups. Aren’t they so cool? Ping-Pong tables? In an office!? Get the heck outta here! One office even has people wearing bow ties! Sure, flying a multi-million dollar death machine is neat and all…but do you have a fake moose head mounted in the cafeteria? Didn’t think so, Mr. Air Force.  

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