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5 Amazing Dispatches from Mars rover Curiosity

A list of Curiosity’s most curious findings.

The successful landing of the Mars Curiosity has the world of science buzzing with excitement and, probably, fear. Though its mission has only just begun, the discoveries are pouring in. After reading these reports from Mars, you’ll never look at Mars the same way again.


8.25.12, 11:15 AM EST “Discovered water 3 inches beneath the surface. But I accidentally dropped my Shamwow and absorbed it all. That’s my bad, sorry science bros.”

8.25.12, 1:27 PM EST “Did you guys see? I just did a donut in crater C-1107H. Totally rad!”

8.26.12, 7:13 AM EST “The air on Mars is perfectly breathable for humans. No really. It is. Especially for you, Space MarshallPhil Landsman…That’ll teach you to borrow a lawn mower from me and never return it. Mwah haha! I can't wait to watch him die due to a total lack of breathable air! Ha ha—oh shit, is my mic still on?”

8.26.12, 3:48 PM EST “This fucking green guy in front of me has been driving for 8 miles with his left blinker on. Turn already, Martian asshole!”

8.27.12, 6:58 AM EST “Even from 39 million miles away, I can tell that Phyllis Jacoby’s ass looks fat in those jeans.”