Americans may like (or endure) these celebrities, but it’s a different story across the pond.
America loves the brits. But just because a guy has an adorable accent and near-translucent skin, that doesn’t mean he’s a charming genius. Our resident Englishman reveals the truth: In England, these people are c-words. (Which is OK for him to say, since he’s British.)
Photo: CNN | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012
Where do you even begin with Piers Morgan? The man’s had a rancid career editing British tabloids - during which he was found to have breached the Code Of Conduct on financial journalism, and was eventually fired for running faked photos of British troops torturing Iraqi prisoners - followed by an even more rancid career as a TV presenter. Having the onscreen charm of a particularly untrustworthy pubic louse, it’s a mystery how he wormed his sleazy way into Larry King’s old chair - to call him an oily, smug little turd would be an injustice to the oiliest of self-satisfied clumps of fetid fecal matter. The man is a slug, a weasel, a grubby, venal name-dropper whose only claim to humanity is having two opposable thumbs. The people of Britain are currently just praying he never comes home.
Photo: HBO| Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012
Oh, Ricky. What happened, man? The Office – the original, British version – was solid comedy gold. By turns hysterical, surprising, moving and exhilaratingly original, it was the kind of show that you knew from the first episode would live on forever. Co-writer/director and star Ricky Gervais quickly became the most beloved man in Britain as we all clamored for more of him. What we didn’t realize was that we’d actually get more of… him. Not more brilliantly observed characters, that is – just…him. Being annoying. Forever.
Annoying on chat shows. Annoying in weirdly old fashioned stand up routines. Annoying in other, less funny TV shows. It’s getting so we can’t even watch The Office anymore because it’s no longer awesome caricature David Brent– it’s just Ricky Gervais. And that’s heartbreaking.
The Royal Family
To say most Brits hate the Royal Family isn’t true. It's really more indifference - if you’re not a member of the aristocracy, the chances are, they're utterly irrelevant to you. Yes, a whole mess of people crammed the banks of the river Thames recently to watch the Queen float down it in celebration of 60 years on the throne (insert your own “she poops for a long time, doesn’t she?” joke here), but that was mostly out of a morbid curiosity to see if she was going to fall in. Or if Prince Philip was going to say anything hilariously racist on live TV. Sure, Kate Middleton's sister's arse sells a lot of newspapers, but if it wasn't for the tourist money, we'd have got rid of these anachronisms decades ago.
Photo: Lance Manion / Retna Ltd. | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012
Britain has given the world some truly amazing music over the years. The Beatles. The Rolling Stones. The Clash. Joy Division. Radiohead. Arctic Monkeys. Really, we should be able to put out any old shite by now and still be forgiven. But then along came Coldplay, a band whose sound can best be described as a warbling, anemic Nickelback with accents. Their inexplicable popularity led directly to the success of sonic poison like James Blunt’s “You’re Beautiful" and for that, they can never be forgiven.
Bonus Round: British Celebrity We All Love, But Who You Love For The Wrong Reasons
Photo: BBC | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012
Yes, he’s very funny as that bumbling, nerdy bloke he’s always playing in American movies. But to Brits, he will always, always be the smooth-talking...
utterly unscrupulous bastard he was born to play. Please America – please give him a role worth playing? We promise you won’t regret it.
Bound Round 2: British Celebrity We All Hate Collectively As A Planet
Photo: James Devaney / FilmMagic | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012
No words here, because if you can’t say something nice...hey look! Our phone’s not ringing. Better check it anyway. Bye.