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Razor Blade Donuts and 4 More Disastrously Dastardly Schemes

Always Sunny Season 8 is out on DVD today! Few people on TV scheme so much or fail so badly as the gang at Paddy’s Pub, but these real-life schemers come pretty close.


Donuts with Sprinkles and Razor Blades

Finding something in your food is a tried and true way to scam big bucks, but the ass end of a cockroach just wasn’t believable enough for two Utah folks. No, they went for the gold by putting razor blades into their donuts and then...wait for it...actually ate them. Nothing says “please don’t look closely at the evidence” like a stomach wall that looks like it got into a prison fight. We don’t know what’s worse punishment, the jail time they got when they were caught, or having to pass the razor blades they ate. Wait, we totally know what’s worse; it’s shitting razor blades. Shitting razor blades is definitely worse.

 

Burnin’ Down the House

What happens when the markets crash and you’re ousted from your spot in the 1 percent? Marc Thompson answered that question personally by scheming to torch the house he could no longer afford. “Stupid Maxim, everybody burns down their house when they can’t pay their mortgage,” you’re probably thinking to yourself. First off, no, only arsonists do that. And secondly, Marc made himself a standout case by burning the house down with his 90-year-old mom inside. Bet you didn’t see that one coming, smart guy. After collecting $600K in insurance money and getting caught with it in an off-shore account, investigators figured out that Marc’s story about his mom committing suicide by burning down the house was B.S., and sentenced him to 115 years.

 

The Old Hand Job

We don’t even blame Gerald Hardin for cutting off his friend’s hand in an insurance scheme that netted the three a total of $671K. We blame the insurance company. If you offer an Accidental Dismemberment policy, you’re just asking somebody to cut their hand off and file a claim. We don’t know what happened to the other two guys or how Hardin wound up getting caught red-handed (har!), but he’ll be serving more years in jail than you can count on one hand. (Har! Again!) Actually, it’s 20.

 

Insurance Salesmen Are the Worst

Einstein said there are only two things that are infinite: the universe and human stupidity. As if setting out to prove Big E right, Aaron Travis Beaird robbed hefty sums from his clients and even managed to convince one of them to take out a life insurance policy, which Travis then promptly cashed….after claiming the insured had died. What’s so special about Beaird that sets him apart from every other scumbag schemer out there? He was the insurance salesman selling the policies he was scheming on. When investigators came knocking, Beaird then faked his OWN death by driving to a bridge, abandoning his car, and leaving a suicide note behind, signed “Travis the Scam Man.” He was picked up months later after his plan fooled no one. Someone should have given Travis two essential pieces of advice. 1) You always flee to a country with no extradition, and 2) You don’t get to give yourself a nickname, Scam Man.

 

The Family Jewels

Scheming to rob a jewelry store is old hat. Scheming to rob your own jewelry store is a much more interesting prospect, especially when the payoff for the robbery is a $7 million check from Lloyds of London. In a moment of life imitating the movie Snatch, the store owners hired two men to dress up like Hasidic Jews, rob the store, and destroy the security camera footage. Unfortunately, the Draino they used to destroy the security tapes didn’t work, leaving the owners plainly visible as they were taking the jewels out of the safe by using the combination, hours before the robbery was staged.


Buy Always Season Season 8 on DVD today!


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