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5 Illegal Aliens We’d Totally Let Into The Country

And 5 others who can stay the hell out.


There’s a chance we may have misunderstood all this talk about immigration reform and illegal aliens and whatnot, but if any government official is reading this, here’s where we stand on the following aliens:


The Coneheads

Someone, somewhere has masturbated to this picture. Just sayin'.
Photo courtesy of Paramount Pictures

Hailing from the planet Remulak, the Coneheads are a hard-working, resourceful, tight-knit family unit (albeit with unfortunate sleep-respiratory issues). In other words, exactly the sort of people both political parties pretend to have as their core voters. On the downside, of course, they have to explain away their strangeness by pretending to be from France, and if there’s one thing guaranteed to make people want to deport you, it’s having them think you’re French.  

Audrey II

We're guessing this is what Wilt Chamberlain's penis looked like.
Photo courtesy of Warner Bros. Pictures

Sure, Audrey II was a vicious, scheming, blood-sucking monster, named after a shrill-voiced oddball with chronic low self-esteem, but boy could it sing. If you’re the type of person who spends significant portions of your day worrying about your herbaceous border, you could definitely do worse than moving in next door to this weeeiiirrrd plant. And if worst comes to worst and it starts giving you the hungry eye, you can always feed it some Jehovah’s Witnesses.

Dr. Frank-N-Furter

Mom always gets a bit carried away on her birthday.
Photo courtesy of 20th Century Fox

There are those who might feel it unwise, as a nation, to embrace a culture based around cross-dressing and wanton sexual experimentation, but let’s save this debate about the Dutch for later. Despite his tendency to murder people with axes and serve them for dinner, Dr. Frank-N-Furter still has a lot to offer America in the fields of medical science, cloning, and showing people how to walk properly in heels.


Superman relives one of those terrible dreams where he shows up to work in his underwear.
Photo courtesy of Warner Bros. Pictures

He’s so all-American that most people forget he’s an alien, but Kal-El was, indeed, born on the planet Krypton. In terms of what he has to offer our country, Superman is off the charts, with fantastic powers and a vast knowledge of otherworldly cultures and science. The dude even grew a mullet in the '90s, and if that’s not what America’s all about, we don’t know what is.


Pictured: Our dad's face when we tell him what we do for a living. 
Photo courtesy of MGM


As a Mawg (half man, half dawg), he’s his own best friend, but he’ll be happy to be yours, too – provided you don’t have an unreasonable amount of matched luggage. With his core qualities of loyalty, bravery, and minimal shedding, Barf would make an excellent neighbor – sure, he’ll probably poop on your front lawn, but at least he’ll also clean it up for you afterwards.   


Ming the Merciless

Poor little guy has to wear this every time the vet operates on him.
Photo courtesy of Universal Pictures

As a general tip on filling out immigration documents, adding terrifying sobriquets is typically a bad idea. It doesn’t help if you’ve actually earned the “Merciless” name by being a ruthless space dictator, of course. The very fact that his only apparent weakness is football makes him a poor candidate for citizenship. 


Its profile describes it as "fun-loving, smart, and attractive in an unconventional way."
Photo courtesy of Touchstone Pictures

Starship Troopers’ master planner was a grotesque, inhuman slug with zero compassion and a face like a whale’s vagina. The same could be said for most of Congress, however, none of that should necessarily preclude you from becoming an American citizen. What we can’t stomach, however, is its habit of planning devastating attacks on other countries with long-range projectile weapons. Dude – that’s America’s job.


Compared to this, the TSA's full-body scanners don't seem so bad.
Photo courtesy of Universal Pictures


Don’t be fooled by the supposed cuteness of E.T. – that creepy little bastard spent most of a week hiding in a child’s closet before psychically linking with him just long enough to get him shit-faced and then nearly kill him with space-flu. And as we’ve established before here at Maxim, there was really only one practical purpose for that glowing finger.


This is what happens when white guys try to give a high five.
Photo courtesy of Paramount Television


He’s wise, he’s logical, he’s a gifted scientist, and, when it’s called for, he’s a badass in a fight. However, if there’s one thing America can’t stand, it’s a smart-ass, and having this guy questioning your logic every two minutes would quickly become intolerable. Sorry, Spock, but if we wanted to make logical decisions, we wouldn’t have Vicodin and whiskey for breakfast. 

Jar Jar Binks

"That's right, give it goat eyes, claws, spiked bat ears, and ringworm. That'll appeal to children."
Photo courtesy of 20th Century Fox

You know those douchebags who walk around wearing T-shirts saying, “Welcome to America: Now Speak English”? (Seriously, guys, just from a logic standpoint – if your intended target can’t read English and therefore can’t understand the slogan, then why the fuck are you wearing it?) Well, they may have a point in this case. We don’t care what fantastic things Jar Jar’s aquatic culture could bring us (sleek submarines; bomb-catapult dinosaurs; Brian Blessed wobbling his jowls at us), if this clumsy, gibbering asshole steps within two feet of us flapping his language-mangling lips, we’ll be kicking him across that intergalactic border like so much space trash. “Yousa thinken yousa people ganna die?” Yes, Jar-Jar. They’re going to commit mass suicide the second you open your stupid, hateful mouth. 

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