Is nothing sacred?
Photo: iStockphoto | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2014
Froot Loops Are All The Same Flavor
Growing up, in between excessive snot dripping down our faces and throwing fits in public places, we were scarfing down Froot Loops, the sugary cereal that flaunted a spoonful of different flavors with its multicolored Os. More than 50 years after it debuted in grocery stores, the cereal company recently confirmed that despite the different colors, each "O" is actually the same flavor. All these years we thought we were cramming the fruits of Costa Rica down our throats (because, it's the home of Toucan Sam, duh), but alas, they made us look like fools. We should've known better than to trust a company that doesn't even know how to spell "fruit."
Double Dare Slime Isn't Actually Gross
Remember when the only thing you wanted in life was go on Double Dare and get slimed? Well, it turns out that what looked like a cross between projectile vomit and dragon feces was actually nothing more than vanilla pudding mixed with oatmeal, applesauce, and green food coloring. So, not only is it not disgusting, but it was also probably delicious - which, now that we think about it, just makes us want to get slimed all over again.
Santa Claus Was Based on a God of War
It's bad enough we went years thinking a giant man in a red suit traveled around the world, sneaking into people's houses through the fireplace and delivering presents to kids - but what really irks us is the fact that good old St. Nick was apparently derived from the horrifying Norse God of War, Odin. So do your kids a favor and tell them the truth up front: Santa ain't real and life generally sucks unless there's alcohol involved. They'll thank you in the long run.
Dimples Are Considered A Deformity
You know those adorable little cheek indents that strangers always insisted on pinching because they were so damn cute? Well, they're actually a fleshy malfunction. Not so cute anymore, right? Dimples are caused by a shortness of facial muscle typically only seen when smiling. But you know, our moms always said it's good to be different! So, embrace your birth defect instead of complaining about it. Freak.
Every Single Nickelodeon Cartoon You Watched Was Perverted
The grandfather on Rugrats? He was watching space porn. The grandfather on Hey Arnold? There was an awfully phallic-looking shape to his head. Sponge Bob had a thing for eating at a place called The Krusty Crab...located in Bikini Bottom. And this gif pretty much sums up every sick, twisted hidden message from Rocco's Modern Life:
Yeah. We're sorry, we've never wanted to see a cow do that either.
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