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5 Questions We Have About the Rob Ford Crack-Smoking Scandal

Like, "What's bigger, your balls or your crack pipe?"


Photo: Mark Blinch/ Landov | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2013

After months of brazen denials amid mounting allegations and evidence, Toronto mayor Rob Ford admitted yesterday that he has, in fact, smoked crack. But unlike your average disgraced American politician, he didn't beg forgiveness from the voters or hang his head in shame like some weak girly man. Nope. In yesterday's press conference Ford essentially told reporters, "Yeah, I smoked crack in a drunken stupor. What of it? I'll be running for reelection in 2014. Go fuck yourselves." And he did this while wearing a tie covered in '90s era NFL logos. No big deal. But it all raises a few questions, and we'd like to take this opportunity to ask them:

Did Rob Ford smoke crack again yesterday?
It seems likely, because a) that tie, and b) literally everything else.

Is that a crack pipe in Rob Ford's pocket, or is he just happy to see us?
It really could go either way, because this guy's clearly got enormous balls - and not just "big for a Canadian."

How is it possible that Rob Ford isn't American?
Everything about this scandal screams "America" - most notably Rob Ford's physique. But also, the part about the drugs, and Ford's refusal to step down or admit that he's a fucking degenerate addict who is unfit to lead a real city, or even Toronto. These are all things we value here in America, eh?

Does Rob Ford want to come to our party?
To be honest, we're not even planning a party, but we would totally throw one if he would come. We'll provide the snacks and the booze, but for legal reasons we have to emphasize that it would be B.Y.O. crack cocaine.

Is it ok to smoke crack as long as you're in a drunken stupor, like Rob Ford?
Yes!*

*No.


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