We're here to spare you from your impending misery and tears this February 14th. You're welcome!
Photo: Denkou Images/ Getty Images | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2014
Rent A Friend
Initially gaining success in Japan, Rent a Friend websites advertise the possibility of paid companionship without the bother of seeking a hooker. For just $10-$30 an hour (apparently certain "friends" are willing to negotiate), you can hire a complete stranger to accompany you throughout your day. Scan through profiles and pictures to find your perfect "friend." Could there be a better solution to a less pathetic Valentine's Day? What's that? Literally anything would be better? Well, to each his own, sir.
Everyone knows the worst thing about being single is going to bed alone. And waking up alone. And going through your entire day, totally alone. But cheer up, sport, because the UK has a solution for you! Enter Cuddle Workshop, a regular event dedicated to the fine art of cuddling with strangers. Advertised as a "safe space for non-sexual touching" (which, we'll admit, sounds like the worst), you can spend four hours spooning a massive group of people for only £29. While the organizers swear that the workshop isn't just for the emotionally starved, we're not so sure. But we still love a good cuddle!
Maybe you can't revel in a blossoming relationship this Valentine's Day, but you can totally boost your confidence in order to find one by pretending you're famous with Rent-A-Paparazzi, which provides private photographers to follow you around and snap photos of your life. Prices range from $525 to $1150, and the company also offers a video collage of your pictures for the low additional cost of $950. Whoever said being single on V-Day helps you save money obviously isn't quite as sad as we are.
Cat Cuddle Booths
Clearly the UK is really into cuddling. If you're single this year, these cat cuddle booths may be the solution for helping to cure your infinite loneliness - or at least relieving it for a few hours. Battersea Rescue Center, a UK animal shelter dedicated to the housing of unwanted cats, is setting up cuddle booths on Valentine's Day to offer pathetic singles a much-needed boost of self-esteem. Along with the ability to nuzzle the adorable little critters, you'll also be awarded a free glass of champagne and the possibility of bringing home a new pet. Because women are known to gravitate toward single men with a house full of cats.
Nothing says fun like getting kidnapped, right? Well, according to this controversial company (and most sociopathic murderers) it really does. For $500, Adam Thick - leader of the Extreme Kidnapping Experience - and his team of accomplices will kidnap you for a four-hour stretch of time, reenacting a kidnapping scene in which you are the hostage. While participants fill out a questionnaire beforehand in order to determine the appropriate severity level, the experience has been labeled as incredibly intense, with most participants experiencing everything from being tied to a chair with duct-tape covering their mouths to being slapped. The one good thing to come out of this? At least your fears of dying alone will be completely replaced the a more general fear of just plain dying. And if that doesn't convince you, maybe the ad below will. Good luck.