August 9, 2013
Percy Jackson: Sea Of Monsters is in theaters now, and we thought you should be prepared in case you ever meet some sea beasts yourself.
Photo: Everett Collection | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2013
Sign #1: It Kidnaps You
As Seen In: The Creature from the Black Lagoon
Despite its somewhat violent appearance, kidnapping is actually one of the most clear signs of affection you can get from a sea monster. The Creature from the Black Lagoon is one of America’s oldest and wisest Sea Monsters (that lagoon ran into the sea, right?) and he swears by kidnapping as the best possible way to win a girl’s heart. Now, some women may feel that kidnapping goes a bit far, especially for a first date, but unlike humans, sea monsters don’t have trouble expressing their feelings, and what better way to show you’re interested in someone than by stalking them, then dragging them away to your cave?
Sign #2: It Performs Grand Romantic Gestures
As Seen In: Pirates of the Caribbean
Davy Jones, antagonist of Pirates of the Caribbean, is more of an old-fashioned romantic…in the fashion of Vincent Van Gogh. Look, nobody likes getting stood up, but Davy is particularly sensitive to it: He was deeply in love with the sea goddess Calypso, and she vowed to meet him once every year for a date. The one year she didn’t show, Davy ripped his own heart out and threw it into the ocean. While it’s true that perhaps Davy could’ve written a strongly-worded letter, or maybe have waited an extra half hour until Calypso got out of traffic, that’s just the kind of guy he is - he insists that ripping your heart out is the only real way to show someone that your heart belongs to them. Or, y’know, a passing lobster.
Sign #3: It Asks How Your Day Was
As Seen In: Futurama
If kidnapping and heart-ripping don’t work, every now and again, a sea monster will turn to more traditional methods, such as asking how your day was, and pretending to care what your answer is. Planet Express’ resident Doctor Zoidberg may not be everyone’s ideal partner, but he does seem to be chock full of “reproductive jelly”, so that’s…a plus? We guess? Anyway, just be wary that some sea monsters can get a little frustrated around mating season, so try not to let it out of your sight.
Sign #4: It Wants To Cuddle
As Seen In: 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea
A sea monster that likes you will find any reason it can to wrap its tentacles around you. A tentacle around the shoulder, a slimy touch on your hip, or even full-out strangulation are all signs that say, “I WANT YOU!” When the Giant Squid from 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea fell madly in love with a submarine, it wasted no time in wrapping all of its tentacles around it in a tightening embrace. Just another word of advice - if you want to move slow, a sea monster may not be for you, as they tend to move quickly in relationships, skipping much of the early flirtation and going right to the strangling-you-and-dragging-your-twitching-corpse-to-the-bottom-of-the-ocean stage (don’t be alarmed – that’s just the sea monster equivalent of moving in together).
Sign #5: It’ll Try To Cram Itself Into A Teensy dress
As Seen In: The Little Mermaid
Some monsters will go to desperate lengths to get your attention – take Ursula, here, who has crammed herself into a dress at least 40 sizes too small, all so she can steal some poor fish-woman’s fiancé. Skip to 1m52s in the above video and you’ll see just how badly that can work out. Remember, always be kind about a sea monster’s figure – they’re not built to squeeze into wedding dresses, and you shouldn’t expect them to. They’re only monsters, after all.
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