Did you buy them from a Nigerian prince? Let us know how that works out.
Photo: Al Bello / Getty Images Sport | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2014
Did You Buy Them on Craigslist?
Sure, Craigslist is perfect for a lot of things: Buying a couch, finding an apartment, meeting a diseased prostitute... But buying legitimate Super Bowl tickets? Not so much. A person looking to part with real tickets to the biggest sporting event in the world does not need to do it on Craigslist. They are not a pretty girl you saw on the A train and shared a totally one-sided leer with. They are fucking Super Bowl tickets. Act accordingly, and stick to legitimate ticket resale sites.
Did You Win Them in a Contest You Don't Remember Entering?
Are you our grandma? Because she is literally the only person we know who thinks people win free shit out of the clear blue sky. For 50 years she believed that she was corresponding personally with Ed McMahon every time she got a piece of junk mail marked "Winner's Notification!!!" from Publisher's Clearing House. So, are you her? Because she is dead, and even she knows no one sends free, unsolicited Super Bowl tickets addressed to "Current Resident."
Did You Buy Them From a Shady Dude in the Parking Lot?
Here is some free, unsolicited advice: Don't ever trust someone who is frequently described in connection with the word "milling" - as in, "he was just milling around, officer." Because a statement like that almost always ends with "right before he stabbed that lady," or, "then I heard screaming and saw blood" - and most likely, both. If you encounter such a person while pretending not to tailgate in the parking lot of MetLife Stadium and you give him money, you might as well just waste your cash on a game-worn Eli Manning helmet.
Did You Buy Them From a Nigerian Prince?
Hey shithead, how did you think he was going to "wire you the tickets to the American Super Bowl"? You can't wire tickets. And even if you could, why would he need you to provide your social security number and bank account information for that? On a separate note: We have a very large sum of money on the way to the Maxim offices, but it has been delayed due to the unexpected illness of a close family member in an exotic land. This money is definitely coming. GUARANTEED. All we ask is that you send us a check for $1,000 now, and then we will repay you with a larger amount as soon as she is well enough to travel. Just make it out to cash. Thanks!
Did They Come Out of a Skee-Ball Machine or Other Arcade Game?
They are not real, and you are not good at life. Even if you do have the high score in Frogger. Sorry, buddy.
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