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5 Signs You're Being Molested By Your Creepy Uncle

The holiday season is a time for being with family - not being with family, like, sexually. Because, yuck. Before you head home for Christmas this year, consider these five telltale signs that you are probably being molested by your creepy uncle. And then call the authorities.


Photo Courtesy of FX


1) Does he have a mustache?
While not every mustachioed uncle is a molester, every molester uncle has a mustache. This is the primary sign that trouble is afoot. In your butt.

2) Does he invite you to "come see my basement" at least five times before Christmas dinner is even served?
Whether he means it literally - as in "let me show you my underground lair, with customized chains and soundproofing and a stained mattress on the floor!" - or figuratively (where the "basement" is a euphemism for his shriveled, old balls), DON'T GO IN THERE.

3) Are you unable to remember anything about the 10 minutes you spent "watching football" alone with him over the holidays?
Sometimes the human brain blocks out bad memories as a coping mechanism in response to a traumatic incident. The scientific term for this is, "Uncle Frank just touched your pecker."

4) When you're all gathered in the den, watching A Christmas Story, and an ad for To Catch a Predator comes on, does he start sweating and muttering to himself about "entrapment"?
Jesus. We just have one question for you, buddy: What does it feel like to be your own aunt? :(

5) Does he always greet you by doing stupid party tricks, like making quarters appear behind your ear, even though you're 30 years old?
Well, it's official. Your uncle is a criminal. If you make it to the New Year with your anal virginity intact, it'll be a true Christmas miracle.



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