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5 Smurfs That You Won’t Be Seeing In “Smurfs 2”

There’s seriously no Smurfin’ way.

Today, Smurfs 2 hits theaters, a movie that looks so bad, it made a dog vomit blood just from watching the trailer. Here are five smurfs we kinda wish they’d throw into the mix in the hope of making the movie ever so slightly less the worst thing that has ever happened.

 

 

Zombie Smurf

Recently escaped from the secret Smurf graveyard (it’s like an elephant graveyard, only, y’know, smaller), Zombie Smurf roams the outskirts of the Smurf village, preying on those unlucky few who wander into his rotting embrace. Sadly, Cuddly Smurf was the first to go.

 

 

Hobo Smurf

Hobo Smurf is a great example of how one poor decision could lead you down the wrong path. After taking a bite of his mushroom house – which turned out to be the wrong kind of mushroom - he felt the absolute Smurfiest that he’d ever felt in his life. But he has since spiraled out of control in trying to recreate that amazing Smurfy high. He was recently caught with Brainy Smurf’s “Smurfberries” in his mouth in return for, uh, whatever the hell it is Smurfs use as currency. We’re guessing…hats?

 

 

Morbidly Obese Smurf

Despite his initially jolly nature, Endearingly Chubby Smurf recently went through a bad break up and, within a few short months, became the blueberry-like Morbidly Obese Smurf. The other Smurfs do their best to take care of him, but Smurf medicine isn’t quite up to the challenge of Type 2 Smurfabetes.

 

Knifey Smurf

Poor Knifey Smurf. In a world where you’re named after your personality, what’s a guy supposed to do when pretty much everything has already been done? In a desperate quest for identity, he picked up a knife and went kill-crazy at the annual Smurf bake sale, killing 17 and screaming, “I’m Knifey Smurf!” over and over again until he was shot in the face by Off Duty Coppy Smurf. It’s a cautionary tale for all ages!

 

 

Mayoral Candidate Smurf

Well…we had to, really, didn’t we?

 

 

Want more funny stuff? Check out The 5 Toughest Guys Who Wear Yellow, or JustMarriedThings: The Perfect Antidote To The Awful JustGirlyThings