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5 Things The Founding Fathers Didn't Have In Mind When They Gave Us Freedom

They created America on their blood, sweat, and tears, let's see how they feel about our puke.



According to what we imagine is thousands and thousands of country songs - freedom isn't free. And nobody knows that better than the Founding Fathers; the men who established the foundation on which this country has rested from 1776 until today. So, we thought we'd cross over to the other side and ask their restless spirits how they feel about the way we're using the freedom that they fought so hard to secure for us. It's true, we totally interviewed their ghosts, and if you call us liars, ghost-Washington will kick in you in the balls. For America!
 

 

Thomas Jefferson

"As if drafting the document that provided the framework for the strongest nation on this good planet was not enough, I also invented the swivel chair. How many chairs have you invented, scruffy young genius with a leaf-blowing device and a recently-damaged cranium? That's what I thought."
 

 

Samuel Adams

"Besides fighting for America's freedom, I also did some malting in my time. In fact, the brewery named in my honor is the largest beermaker in the country. However, in my day beer was what thou drank to make thy ails disappear, not an instrument to try and prove the length of one's genitals, only to vomit mightily all over your best friend's parent's patio. Go Bruins!"
 

 

Benjamin Franklin

"When I investigated electricity, this was not exactly what I had in mind, but as long as this rapscallion gets his comeuppance, I'm on board. I must ask, what is all of this nonsense with the half-shoes that everyone is wearing? I never even went out without a waistcoat. You think I was worried about comfort when I was blasting redcoats to hell? Well, not that I was actually in battle, per se, but, uh, I invented bifocals. So shut up."

 

 

George Washington

"I'm not going to lie (I mean, that's kind of my thing) - when I cut down that cherry tree, I was at least a couple sheets to the wind. However, there was no magic blade-spinning machine and, most importantly, I owned up to my cowardly chopping, unlike this man, who mumbles some incoherent, curse-ridden, drunken reasoning for dropping a tree onto some poor fellow's house and then calls it a day. That's what you get for living in Florida. Seriously, when did you guys even make that a state? Bad call."
 

 

James Madison

"As the guy who's been immortalized on a $5,000 bill (I know - baller, right?) I know that there is no possible way people are spending me on a car wash. You know that you have to immediately drive that vehicle down the road, right? Where it's dirty? No wonder the British couldn't keep us under their power, they're completely irresponsible. Also, going by this evidence, unspeakably ugly."
 

 

Alexander Hamilton

"Good Lord, man. I died in a duel. A duel. A man and I literally shot guns at each other because we had different politics. Would this guy shoot a gun at someone because they believe in lowering student loan interest? Of course he wouldn't, because he's the kind of jelly-spined man who has a grand mal seizure when someone fires a toy at him. This is what you do with the freedom I died for? I'm out of here, man."


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