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5 Unbelievable Tales of Drunken Abandon

Everybody has a “Man, I was sooo drunk” story. Hollywood is on its third installment of it right now, in fact, with the forthcoming Hangover III movie. Even teetotalers have a tale about that one time they accidentally ate a chocolate liqueur and woke up tied to a pig wearing lipstick. But some drunk stories go beyond the realm of mere embarrassment and end up in the annals of mind-bending idiocy. Stories like...

 

The Dude Who Drove a Tank Into A House


Photo Credit: Beryozovo Police

Drunk driving is just about the most irresponsible thing you can do, but some people aren’t satisfied with just being a plain old inexcusable douchebag – no, some people like to level that shit up. That is how a woman in the remote Russian village of Beryozovo woke up to find what appeared to be a tank in her living room. The driver of the tank-like vehicle was, unsurprisingly, unable to explain why he had parked in someone’s house, and it took a full night of strong coffee and constant face-slapping before he was finally sober enough to confess that he didn’t even know why he was in Beryozovo. Bizarrely, rather than locking this asshat up in a cell for the rest of his days, the Russian cops let the driver off with a misdemeanor charge and a revoked license, presumably before releasing him back onto the streets with full health and a baseball bat...

 

The Guys Who Went to SeaWorld (And Stole a Penguin)

You know how it is - you’re about 10 beers into your night out and somebody says, “Man, I could really go for some dolphin swimming right about now.” Usually you just tell Chad to shut up and you carry on drinking, but in one particular case of drunken inspiration in Australia, three peckerheads managed to evade SeaWorld security, swim with some dolphins, and make off with a penguin - all while filming it for posterity. The three dolphin molesters even tried to sell the video footage, because flaunting evidence of your crime for profit is a surefire way to let the world know you’re sorry about what you did. Upon waking up to find that they were bird-nappers, the three men panicked and tried to release the penguin into a canal, because some people don’t need to be drunk to make terrible decisions. Eventually the Penguin was returned to SeaWorld, after what we can only assume was a heartwarming tale of adventure and friendship.

 

The Woman Who Decided She Was A Pirate


Getty Images | Licensed by Alpha Media Group 2013

Many people drink to escape the mundane grind of their lives, but they don’t then suddenly decide, “Fuck this, I’m a pirate.” Not usually, anyway. Brit Alison Whelan was by no means in a usual frame of mind when she boosted a two-story passenger ferry and cast off from a busy jetty, screaming “I’m Jack Sparrow!” The police had been alerted to the shenanigans, oddly enough, by a phone-call from the drunk herself, but they could only watch helplessly as she pin-balled the stolen ferry into various expensive yachts, causing thousands of dollars worth of damage before she was finally taken in. She later boasted that she “Would have made it to St. Tropez” if she hadn’t been caught, though the officer at the scene estimated that she was lucky even to be alive.

 

The Man Who Took A Joyride (In a Toy Car)


Peter Lawson/Rex USA | Licensed by Alpha Media Group 2013

How do you top driving a tank into a house? You can’t, really, but you can be the world’s most embarrassing failure by getting caught drunk driving in a Barbie car. Such was the tale of 40-year-old Paul Hutton from Britain, who got sauced and decided to take a battery-powered toy car for a spin. He was pulled over by cops in what we can only imagine was the most sorrowful car-chase in history. Amazingly, even though the toy car’s top speed was a staggering 4mph, Paul still had his license revoked for three years. “I feel like a complete an utter twit,” said Paul, which we assume is British for “jackass.”

 

The Guy Who Tried To Ride A Crocodile

There’s a point in every drunk’s life when the higher brain functions determine they’ve had enough, and leave all the decision-making skills to the Jägermeister swimming around his veins. Such was the case with Australia's Michael Newman, who, after being ejected from the local pub, decided to go and harass a crocodile—which astute readers will recognize as the thing evolution has spent millions of years teaching us not to do. After sitting on a particularly ornery crocodile’s back (and not just any crocodile, but an Australian saltwater croc, one of the most dangerous types in the world) and trying to ride it like a terrifying real-life Yoshi, Michael was, predictably, bitten to shit. Amazingly, he survived the whole ordeal and did the only sensible thing an Australian can do when faced with mortal danger: he went back to the pub.

 

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