Are you a champ at celebrating St. Patty's? Think again. Time to celebrate like the O.G., St. Pat himself.
1. Banish all snakes!
What St. Patrick Did: There is a legend that St. Patrick demanded all snakes be cast away from Ireland, and that's why there are no snakes there. This is probably not true; the more realistic version is that he wanted all snakes cast away - meaning Druids (who happened to have snake tattoos and were represented by serpents).
What You Should Do: Depending on which version you believe, you have to find a way to remove snake-tatted people from your town or start getting rid of all the snakes literally. Up to you.
2. Turn a walking stick into a tree.
What St. Patrick Did: Another legend has it that St. Patrick's walking stick would take root whenever he'd stick it in the ground as he evangelized around Ireland.
What You Should Do: Get a cane and stick it in the ground. Plant a tree where the cane is, and come back a year or two later to see the miracle you created.
3. Defeat a demon.
What St. Patrick Did: One day, St. Patrick came across the cult image of Crom Cruach, a pagan deity. With his raised crosier, he made a demon appear from the image. Then, he sent it to hell. Did we mention that St. Patrick was a badass?
What You Should Do: Go to the DMV with a crosier, and yell, "DEMONS BE GONE!" Good luck getting your license renewed.
4. Go into captivity.
What St. Patrick Did: As a teenager, St. Patty was taken into captivity by pagans until he was 20.
What You Should Do: Hide in your basement and take a nap.
5. Die... ALLEGEDLY.
What St. Patrick Did: He had to die, because everyone does eventually, but the date of his death death is still up for debate. Some people believe it was in 457 or 460 A.D.; others think it was in 493 A.D. You know - somewhere in that small range. But one thing's for sure: it was March 17th.*
What You Should Do: If you've made it through the first four steps, you may now die - or just fake your own death on Facebook.
*Dude, nothing is for sure when it comes to this guy. St. Patrick was crazy y'all, and it was a really long time ago!
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