Unless you want to give us some money. Then it’s great.
If you’re anything like every person in the entire world, money motivates a lot of what you do (unless you’re Tony Montana – then it’s all about the power). But maybe, just maybe, you’re barking up the wrong tree. That’s why we’re presenting – in no small way to justify our own poorness to ourselves - the reasons why being flush with cash is the absolute worst.
1. You pay a shitload of taxes
(Photo: Rhienna Cutler/ Getty Images | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2014)
According to this report by CNBC, the top 40% of earners actually pay 106% of the taxes, with the bottom brackets paying negative taxes in the form of tax credits and other breaks (although it’s worth clarifying that this is just federal personal income tax; about a quarter of all the taxes collected). Sure, tax time sucks now, but can you imagine if you were actually paying them?
2. Fancy food is terrible
(Photo: Arnthor Aevarsson/ Getty Images | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2014)
Blissfully ignorant is certainly the place to be in terms of the horrible things that rich people eat. These wealthy lunatics are intentionally eating fish eggs, slugs, brains, and glands. We have no earthly clue what’s in our cheeseburger, and we like it that way.
3. Everyone is after your money
Photo: Cat London/ Getty Images | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2014
We know that anyone who hangs out with us is truly a fan of our personality. They’d have to be in order to deal with the body odor, the off-color jokes, and the frequent unsuccessful attempts to extort free drinks. When you are stacked, you know why people are around, and it starts with an "M." And it ends with a "-oney." It’s money. That’s why people are around - money.
4. Classic stuff is boring
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Classical music? Snooze. Crystal glassware? You can’t even use that for flip cup. You have the entire world of technology and innovation at your fingertips and you ride a stupid horse? You’re leaving like 599 horsepower on the table. Plus, a badass sports car has never kicked you in the head or shit on your floor.
5. Someone always has something better than you
Unless you’re Bill Gates (Microsoft founder) or Carlos Slim (owner of coolest rich guy name), there is always going to be someone who has the upper hand on you. Your yacht has a waterslide? Well that dude’s lifeboat has an even bigger one. Your butler has a PhD and speaks 20 languages? That guy’s butler has a butler and that butler is Dr. Oz. And how do you even sleep on that bed that isn’t filled with the down from geese that have at one time shaken Obama’s hand at the White House, like the one your neighbor has? It doesn’t matter what you do, there is always someone even more on their game than you. Sorry, Kanye West.
6. Downton Abbey has too many characters
Photo Courtesy of PBS
Seriously, who can keep track of all that shit?
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