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6 Things Dark Matter Almost Definitely Won't Be Used For

Last month, astronauts aboard the International Space Station found potential evidence of the existence of dark matter. Naturally, when we first saw this news, we all assumed that there'd be dark matter dispensers at every grocery store in America within a couple years, but after extensive research on Wikipedia (interrupted occasionally by long naps), it seems we may be jumping the gun on that one. Honestly, we still don't really know what the hell dark matter is, or what we can use it for, but we did figure out that it probably won't be used for any of these purposes.


Making a Killer Shadow

In one Monk-starring episode of The X-Files, Mulder and Scully meet a guy who has come in contact with dark matter, and, as a result, now has a shadow that immediately disintegrates anyone it touches. Predictably, the government is hell-bent on trying to abduct the guy and dissect him, but Mulder and Scully try to save him while making sure his shadow doesn't break down anyone's atoms into energy puddles in the process – in other words, just another typical day at the FBI. The good news is, this will not be happening to anyone any time soon: According to several theories, millions and millions of dark matter particles pass through Earth every minute, and if they disintegrated everything they touched, we probably would've heard about it by now.

Murdering Magical Plumbers

In the Super Mario Galaxy games (good luck getting this tune out of your head now), Bowser is trying to destroy the universe by putting holes in it with dark matter. He even has dark matter factories to create more of it, and enough spare supplies of the stuff to leave large pits of it lying around, just to kill Mario. All of which, of course, is just silly. Although they can't quite detect it yet, scientists speculate that about 85% of the universe is composed of dark matter, and the universe is still holding together pretty well. We look forward to seeing its effects on go-cart dynamics, however.

Impregnating Male Penguins

Dark matter plays a central role in Futurama. The fuel on which almost all spaceships run – and conveniently pooped out in small, spherical pellets by Planet Express’ alien pet, Nibbler – it’s a common plot device. Now, maybe someday, we actually will use dark matter for fuel - who knows? At the moment, some of Earth's biggest energy sources come from ground up dinosaur bones and corn, so it's certainly possible. But on Futurama, dark matter also disrupts the mating habits of penguins, causing them to reproduce 1,000 times faster than normal, even allowing male penguins to lay eggs. So…yeah. It’s a sort of Antarctic avian fertility drug. It seems unnecessary to point out all the reasons that will never actually happen, but suffice it to say, “penguin gonads” is somewhere near the very, very bottom of a list of things scientists are interested in experimenting on with dark matter.

Blowing Up Dinosaurs

Skip to 5m22s in the above video, and you’ll see that dark matter cubes are used to kill dinosaurs in the Turok games. Call us crazy, but we’re going to wait until science finally gets around to cloning dinosaurs before we start worrying about how to wipe them all out again.

Building Material For A Talking Hackey Sack

In the LittleBigPlanet games, Sackboy uses dark matter to build anti-gravity structures. Though no one would like to believe that the lovable Sackboy would mislead us, it would appear that he's way off the money on this one.  We consulted several carpenters and city planners to inquire about the prospect of using dark matter in the future, and they all hung up on us (one even reported us to the police). It’s true that none of these carpenters worked for NASA, but…wait, does NASA even have carpenters working for them? Have we discovered a potential new job market for carpenters here? Guys, we are so fucking smart.

Controlling The Mind Of Fat Little Pink Guys

Get your mind out of the gutter – we’re talking about Kirby. In the Kirby games, the Dark Matter are a race of angry, joy-hating aliens who go around taking over the minds of people in Dream Land. We’ll be honest, we're not totally sure about this one – on the surface, there's no real evidence that we're all controlled by dark matter (and supposedly, dark matter is just non-reflective energy, so it's unlikely that it has a motive or any kind of personality), but one of the highest rated shows on TV right now is Dancing With The Stars, so there's a valid argument to be made that we're all just zombies of an evil race of mind-controlling aliens. Because the idea that everyone’s choosing to watch that garbage is too horrible to think about. 

Need more funny? Check out 8 Sneaky Moms and our interview with the filthy and hilarious Bob Saget