And also, get off our lawn you crazy kids!
When the new iPhone drops on all your heads today (or in 8 months, when you’ll actually be able to find one in a store), you’ll be able to capture cell phone video in slo-mo, so your idiocy can last even longer. But for all you whippersnappers who may not remember this, before they were attached to cell phones, cameras were kind of a hassle to come by. For instance even if you wanted to record a simple video you had to dig through your basement and choose which of your daughters' birth videos you wouldn’t mind taping over. Then one day some brilliant CEO came up with the idea to pay someone smarter than them to come up with the idea for the camera-phone, changing the following experiences forever.
Documenting Your Life
Sure, your grandpa may have some incredible photographs of the time he liberated Paris, but does he have a complete catalog of every time he ate eggs Benedict in 2009? I didn't think so. Fortunately our generation has the benefit of camera-phones to capture every waking moment of our lives. Whether it be that time the cat fell asleep in a different position than usual, or that time you noticed someone wrote “Jury Doodie” on the bathroom wall in the city courthouse, you can be sure future generations will truly know how devoid of meaning your life actually was.
Ten to 15 years ago, if you saw a movie star in person, you probably would’ve waved hello, babbled like an idiot, or maybe asked for an autograph for your niece “Kyle.” And on the rare occasion you did ask for a picture, it was probably because you just happened to have a disposable camera handy. Well these days not only do most people have a camera handy at all times, but they also have a crippling anxiety that every remotely interesting moment of their lives has to be immortalized on the internet. In short, Dustin Diamond is dreaming if he thinks he can leave Chipotle without taking a few pictures with us.
Watching a Live Event
Remember when concert-goers would wave their lighters above their heads during ballads? Neither do we, but then again we’re not aging Whitesnake fans. The tiny flames have gradually been replaced with hundreds of cellphones, each recording their own blown out, impossible to hear, shaky piece of garbage nobody will ever watch. Even if said concert were currently being directed by David Fincher with top of the line cameras, you would still see a sea of blue lights hovering over the crowd recording video for no one but themselves (and not even themselves most times). There is literally better footage of Bigfoot than this video of Billy Joel.
Trying on Clothes
Whether it’s shopping for a wedding dress or an “I just got divorced” celebration white suit, nothing aids a clothing purchase like a second opinion, and what can get you a second opinion faster than a cell phone camera? Because everyone has at least one friend who actually knows how to buy a good suit (for us, it’s Ellen), and how great is it that you can text that friend all your options without ever leaving the dressing room. Just be aware this will be followed by a secret group text about your cankles.
Although pretty much everyone (except us, of course) lies from time to time, lies are actually harder to pull off today than any time in the past. Because one minute you’re telling your girlfriend you stopped by your grandma’s for a late dinner, the next minute you're forced to stage a fake photo of it with your friends in a strip club. And it’s even harder than ever to lie for insurance purposes. How can you convince the insurance company the ding on your hood happened when you were in a store, when the girl you hit recorded you driving away and cackling?
If you think stealing with this technology is impossible, then you clearly haven't been to an amusement park in the last five years. Because why on earth would I spend 30 dollars on a picture of myself making an epic O-face and giving the finger on Space Mountain, when I can just take a picture of the screen for free? Same goes for medical charts, recipes from cookbooks, even those guest photos they try to sell you on cruise ships. That’s right, thanks to cell phone cameras, you can basically commit international espionage while getting drunk on Pina Coladas.
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