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66-Year-Old Suzanne Somers Says She Has Sex 3 Times a Day

It's Your Thursday Afternoon Barf Report!

On her latest visit to The Today Show, Maxim minx Miley Cyrus told a completely flaccid Matt Lauer that she heard that when people turn 40, they "don't have sex anymore." A day later, in the least welcome rebuttal of all time, Suzanne Somers (of Three's Company and Thigh Master infomercial fame) told viewers of The Talk that Miley was surely smoking something, because she and her 77-year-old hubby, Alan Hamel, have sex "a couple of times a day." She went on to describe their use of hormone treatments and how he likes to bang super early in the morning. 


Photo: Michael Buckner / WireImage | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2013


If the proceeding paragraph didn't cause you to projectile vomit, we present this list of things that will surely have you puckering up to some porcelain.


Courtesy of TLC

This guy, sufferer of scrotal elephantiasis, recently had his 132-lb ballsac removed. If you didn't notice, that's why his orange pants are bulging slightly in the crotch region. What we want/don't want to know is: where did all that excess testicle gunk go...?



...Not into your McNuggets, but that's only because, as revealed in a study by the American Journal of Medicine, McNuggets are already stuffed to the gills with ground-up chicken fat, blood vessels and nerves, cartilage and bone. You deserve a break today!
 



Not this kind of break. You remember this when it happened, but why not take a horrifying stroll down memory lane and take another peep at Kevin Ware's leg-go-snap? Remember, there was nothing technically wrong with his leg. It just fucking snapped because he landed at a weird angle. Think of that next time you're jumping up and shouting on a wedding dance floor…

…Probably next to your grandma and grandpa, who if they're anything like Suzane Somers and hubby Alan, most likely had anal that morning.


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