If you forgot today was tax day, you might want to stop reading this and start calling the IRS.
Ok, hypothetically speaking, let’s say taxes are due, like, right this second, and if you don’t do them, you’re in ass-loads of trouble. Actually, wait - all of that is true. And if you’re just hearing that now, on Maxim.com, then no CPA can save you. At that point, your best bet is to stow away on a boat to Cuba, where you can begin your new life as Rodrigo Robusto, swarthy cigar merchant and sassy man about town! Now, given this scenario, if you could pick any fictional accountant to save you from your tax nightmare, who’s your pick? Before deciding, whatever you do, just make sure you don’t select one of these jerks. Here are the 7 worst fictional accountants.
7. Andy Dufresne (Inmate, Shawshank Prison, The Shawshank Redemption)
Notable Quote: “I suppose I could set it up for you[...]nearly free of charge. I’d only ask three beers apiece for my co-workers.”
Yep. Andy Dufresne. Now, don’t get us wrong - his accounting skills are exemplary. But we prefer our accountants on the up and up, and word has it he’s been laundering money for a few decades, then ratting out his employers. Plus, since he’s been splitting time between prison and that beachfront property of his, it’s been absolute murder trying to get him on the phone. Ooh...shoulda picked a different word besides “murder.” Sorry!
6. Fenton Crackshell (Accountant from Duck Tales)
Notable Quote: “Blatherin’ Blatherskite!”
Fenton Crackshell’s only redeeming quality is his ability to instantly and accurately count things. That’s it. He works as Scrooge McDuck’s accountant, mostly because McDuck is a vain sociopath who only cares about how many gold coins he has, never once considering write-offs or whether or not Huey, Dewey, and Louie are claimable dependents. To thank McDuck for his employment, Crackshell went ahead and stole his GizmoDuck costume. We’ll pass, thanks.
5. Hermes Conrad (Accountant for Planet Express on Futurama)
Notable Quote: “I will now read the mandatory speech. ‘Dear employee: Has it really been five, ten, or fifteen years? If not, please disregard this and get back to work. Distribute token of appreciation and applaud.’”
On the plus side, Hermes Conrad is a ruthless bureaucrat (he once fired himself for working too slowly on an employee performance report), a master of efficiency (he reorganized a forced-labor camp where he was a prisoner) and a known partier (he frequently hints at, ahem, “recreational activities.”) However, he also accidentally once caused the death of a child during an Olympic limbo contest, has an on-again, off-again relationship with his wife, and has been decapitated twice. Look, Hermes is awesome at his job, but there’s too much risk and baggage here for our needs.
4. Cyril Figgis (Comptroller for ISIS from Archer)
Notable Quote: “Do you know how hard I worked on this budget? Nights, weekends, cancelled my vacation, and, and now it's all wasted.”
Fun fact - we’re awful at keeping track of our expenses. And if we’re calling an accountant (or “comptroller” in this case), we want to know that he’s going to handle our finances with authority. Now, for anyone who’s seen Archer, do you have any confidence that this nervous, sex-addicted, oft-terrified accountant-cum-field agent would get you your full refund? I submit that he would not. But maybe he could introduce us to Lana…
3. Arthur (The Tick’s Sidekick)
Notable Quote: “Not in the face! Not in the face!”
Ah, good old Arthur. Arthur is the Tick’s nervous sidekick who was originally trained as an accountant before purchasing a moth costume at a yard sale and deciding to become a superhero. He’s pretty awful at the superhero thing, and - even worse - his accounting skills are dubious at best. After all, he’s been put on indefinite psychological leave for his antics. Plus, he didn’t even keep a receipt to expense his moth costume. That’s just shoddy work, man. Put him in our “iffy” pile.
2. Iceman (Member of the X-Men)
Notable Quote: - "Hey - pointless combat is what we do best, buddy!"
Yep - Bobby Drake - Iceman from the X-Men - left the superhero game early on to get his degree in accounting. Then after a few flirtations with coming back as a superhero, went into accounting full time (before leaving full time...again). As much as we like good ol’ Iceman, we think we’ve gotta take a pass here. For starters, he left the accounting field in the early '80s, so he’s about 30 years out of practice. And even more concerning, all of his clients complain that their assets are frozen. Heyooo! We’ve got a great show tonight, everyone! Try the veal!
1. Irwin R. Schyster (WWE Wrestler)
Notable Quote: “You slime...IRS never gives ANYONE a break!”
This guy is the #1 worst by far. Irwin R. Schyster (or “IRS.” It’s a clever acronym, you see) was a “heel” (wrasslin’ term for a “bad guy”) and a taxman in the WWE. His gimmick? He goes after tax evaders in the most legal way possible - beating the beans out of them. Would we sign him on as an accountant? Absolutely not - his audits seem like they’d be terrifyingly aggressive. Plus, we’re not entirely comfortable with the unfortunate amount of borderline racism rocking in the early '90s WWE. For instance, Schyster was once involved in going after (ahem) “Tatanka” for failing to pay a gift tax on a “sacred headdress” given to him by “Chief Jay Strongbow.” He also once “[repossessed] the headstone of a child.” Mm-hmm. If anyone needs us, we’ll be hiding under the bed.