March 12, 2013
True medical dramas that should make you think twice about shoving a vegetable up your ass.
In Utah in 2011, a hunter’s dog got a little carried away while exercising his right to bear arms. After the dog’s 46-year-old owner put his 12-gauge shotgun across the bow of his boat, the pooch apparently got “excited” and stepped on the weapon, accidentally pulling the trigger and firing 27 pellets into the owner’s ass. The man avoided serious injury thanks to his waders, leaving the dog disappointed that he wouldn’t be able to stuff and mount his owner’s butt.
Proving that Darwin’s “survival of the fittest” theory doesn’t always stand up to close examination, an unnamed man in the town of Masterton, New Zealand wanted to find out if a nail gun could cut through bone, so naturally he put one to his head and pulled the trigger. “He walked into the hospital and was laughing about it,” said one nurse. Pinning his hat to his head, the nail lodged in his skull just behind his nose, eventually costing him his vision in one eye. In a cruel evolutionary twist, the man’s reproductive organs were unharmed.
A vicar in Sheffield, England insisted to the nurse on duty in the city’s Northern General Hospital that he’d merely been hanging up some curtains at home, in the nude, when he accidentally slipped onto his kitchen table and ended up with a potato firmly lodged in his rectum. No wonder the church always insists on kneeling rather than sitting.
ER doctors see their fair share of blood and guts, but feathers and glitter were the horror show that fell upon the docs at a hospital in Bradford, England when a man came in with a fancy hat stuck to his head. The night before, Sean Murtagh (pictured above), 25, had superglued the tiny top hat to his noggin for a costume party. It stayed on so well that it was still attached when he woke up. The doctors were unable to soften the glue, so they amputated. The hat, not the head.
Doing nothing for the reputation of the French as lacking in personal hygiene, an unnamed 40-year-old man in Montmélian, France spent the night with his head stuck in a sewer after he reached down to retrieve his wallet, which had fallen in. He was trapped for the entire night before being found the next morning and taken to the hospital suffering from hypothermia (not to mention an acute case of deep and burning shame).
Turkey in a Roll
Turkey in a Roll
A morbidly obese man went to the ER with red, irritated skin on his stomach—and likely a hankering for hospital pudding. Sharon Orrange, M.D., first diagnosed the rash as a routine skin infection, but in the course of the exam, she lifted up a a fat fold and a turkey sandwich fell out. The fatty told her it was a month old, and “the smell,” she said, “confirmed it.” Now we lost our lunch too.
When Chad Ettmueller, 38, opened wide for the double-meat, double-cheese sandwich he bravely ordered from the Which Wich shop in Atlanta, his jaw locked open and the sandwich went tragically uneaten. With his mouth stuck in the “ahhhhrrrrrghggh” position, he was promptly taken to the ER, where doctors worked 14 hours to surgically move it back to its natural position. As for the sandwich, it’s suing for negligence and emotional distress.