This whole lone, range-y thing isn't working for us. Let's see if we can update him a little.
The Lone Ranger is out now, and despite Johnny Depp's best attempts to weird things up, the character of the Lone Ranger himself just feels a little old-fashioned. Look at him:
Just a dude in a suit, a hat, and a mask. Take out the Native American in the silly hat, and it just looks like dad coming home from an office sex party (that's a thing dads do, right? Ours always swore it was all just part of being a chartered accountant). Anyway, let's see if we can jazz him up a little. We've thought up eight fresh takes on the solitude-loving range-dude, all of which rhyme because a) it's easier to remember and b) it was a very slow day and this seemed like a great idea after six piña coladas (shut up, there's nothing wrong with piña coladas).
The Drone Ranger
The Sell: He's new! He's sleek! He's modern! He's an unstoppable, unfeeling killing machine with the capacity to surgically take out targets with the best air-to-surface missiles CIA money can buy!
The Plot: The Drone Ranger and Tonto go on a mission to tackle opium producers in Afghanistan, but things take a wacky turn for the worse as the Drone Ranger misidentifies a target and kills 852 civilians. A swift decommissioning follows.
The Clone Ranger
The Sell: It's two for the price of one! We miss the days when people made movies as stupid as Double Impact, so what better way to bring back that conceit than a Clone Ranger franchise? After all, everyone knows there's no way a movie can possibly suck if it has the word "clone" in the title.
The Plot: Clone Ranger 1 is a womanizing martial arts instructor in L.A. Clone Ranger 2 is immersed in the Hong Kong crime world. Both are awesome at kicking things and doing the splits, and both were orphaned due to the actions of crime lord Raymond Zhang, who...wait, wait. Sorry. That's the plot of Double Impact again. Moving on.
The Sloane Ranger
The Sell: After tiring of the Lone Ranger's lone, range-y ways, Tonto hooks up with a new partner: Former lover of Ferris Bueller, Sloane Peterson!
The Plot: After having sex with Sloane a lot in the back of a Ferrari, Tonto does, like, stuff, and then other stuff, because of...stuff. Yeah. Honestly, we didn't really get much past "have sex with Sloane a lot in the back of a Ferrari" with this one.
The Home Loan Ranger
The Sell: In these tough economic times, what hero could be more appropriate than one who helps first-time buyers get that tricky first mortgage?
The Plot: The Home Loan Ranger starts out as everybody's favorite hero since Free Burritos All Day And We Pay You To Eat Them On Fridays Man (a hero we dreamed up, but who is nevertheless awesome). Sadly, his wild habit of approving all loans leads to a slew of defaults, and the eventual collapse of the economy, resulting in job losses, social unrest, and a general decline in the standard of living for many American families. This one, uh...this one's kind of a downer.
The Joan Ranger
The Sell: Joan Rivers dispenses sartorial justice, Wild West style.
The Plot: Did someone call the fashion police? Hell no - they called a fashion vigilante! "Sir, does your horse know you're out dressed like this? Talk about the Mild Vest! Looking at you, I'm starting to wish my mask didn't have eye-holes. Do people call you Wyatt Derp? Look at this guy, it's more like Home On The Mange." Etc.
The Kidney Stone Ranger
The Sell: A new hero emerges to warn the children of America of the dangers of low fluid intake.
The Plot: One man. One urethra. One large clump of crystallized calcium oxalate. One really, really painful trip to the bathroom.
The Razor Ramon Ranger
The Sell: The Razor Ramon Ranger dispenses justice in the one place it really counts - the squared circle!
The Plot: On his way to earn the Old West Championship, The Razor Ramon Ranger shocks fans by turning heel and dropping manager Tonto with a chair shot behind the ref's back. His villainous reign seems assured...until Sean Michaels defeats him in a ladder match. And he didn't even wait around to be thanked!
The Scone Ranger
The Sell: He's delicious! He's fruity! He's a small, overly sweet pastry! The burger franchise tie-in toys practically sell themselves!
The Plot: Before the action can begin, everyone gets into a big argument as to whether "scone" is pronounced like "lone" or "on." The studio compromises by releasing the movie in a different cut. Ladies and gentlemen, we give you...